Yesterday (March 25) marked Sky’s 17th birthday. I kept thinking all week that I would sit down and write out this long blog about Skylar and all of my feelings and where I am right now on my journey…..and each day came and went and I just couldn’t share my pain for some reason. Yesterday was difficult to say the least…I certainly didn’t miss Skylar any more than normal ( I don’t think it’s possible to ever top this pain or level of loneliness) but celebrating a milestone like this without her present tore me apart in a brand new way.
Sky’s headstone was set Saturday morning, it was so very important to me that it was up in time for her birthday and I thank God and Brian (a God-send funeral director) that it was. I sat in that cemetery Saturday morning and tried to watch them “set” her stone… I made it about 20 minutes before I could no longer watch. Can you imagine that as a parent…as a mother? That FINAL marking of her death…. the monument that marks who she was and reminds people of her life….speechless, that’s how it left me.
It is a truly beautiful stone and it defines her well……and that’s hard to even admit. I went back and visited her later and all I could think is that Sky would have been so sad and broken to know that her life on this earth would be cut so short. She would have been devastated to know how broken her entire family is without her…. I’m aware that she is happy and living in utter peace and joy, however the milestones that we will all miss with her breaks me into a million little pieces.
Lexy and I went back to visit Sky yesterday for her birthday and take her balloons and flowers…we then spent our day celebrating Skylar; manicures and pedicures that Sky loved so much and dinner at her favorite restaurant. I even ordered her favorite meal, just for her. There were definitely laughs shared at the table as we talked and reminisced about Sky…but the pain remained and waited patiently for me to get home and release what I was holding in. This morning we had a birthday breakfast with Sky’s best friends in her favorite classroom with one of her favorite teachers….watching those kids sing happy birthday to my baby warmed my heart and broke it all at the same time. I won’t lie, I left there today angry. Angry that my baby is gone and on this earth that’s about as good as it’s going to get for me.
I have stated this before somewhere in one of my blogs that you really need to be thankful for what you have…too often I see and hear so many complaints about such petty things in life or even things that with hard work and determination can be changed…..I (and MANY others just like me) are facing a battle that we can never ever change no matter how hard we want, pray and plead….this is as good as it gets for us. I’m certainly thankful for my other 3 beautiful babies and friends and family that love me and I KNOW that it could also be worse for me… I could lose yet another child someday (dear God you know that would surely kill me). But what I do recognize is the importance of the true things in life. It’s way too easy to get caught up in yourself and small issues in life and lose sight of the bigger picture, I’ve certainly been there too. Sky hated drama and she hated sweating the small things in life. She lived for having fun and loving her friends and family.
For the mothers that have come before me on this painful journey I am certain you have loads of advice for me but for those that come after me I want you to know that no matter the tragedy or cause of death there is a lesson to be learned and a legacy to continue. I know each of my days will be filled with pain over my loss of Sky and the emptiness of missing her will never ever subside….but I will be damned if my girl will ever be forgotten and I will be damned if I let the devil or this broken world get the best of me or my kids. Whatever days I have left on this earth will be lived on purpose and for Skylar, with every step I take I will make her proud. I lived for her and I would die for her and just because she is gone from this world doesn’t mean my ways will change.
Sky, I love you more…. I day closer until we meet again. xoxo
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4