It’s been awhile since I felt I could post on here. As typical I’ve had some good days and some bad…this month has seemed to have gotten the better of me thus far. I think with graduation, all of the grad parties for Sky’s friends and the start of summer, my pain has just felt so exposed and I am unable to shield and hide it.
It’s hard to find new words to explain where I am at on this journey. I’m asked daily by one person or another how I am doing, how the kids are doing, how her friends are doing……..how do I answer that honestly without scaring people away? All in all we’re breathing….we’re all still here, I suppose that’s the best answer I can give. They say stress can kill you, age you, make you sick etc…….how I will live a long ripe life is beyond me at this point, especially with such a broken and damaged heart. I guess that’s for God to handle.
I am thankfully reminded often of the lives Sky has changed with her death….in a good and positive way. Thank God for those stories and reminders. My girlfriend said to me the other day ” it’s mind-blowing how many lives have so drastically been affected and changed course….” I hope those changes continue and that Sky, Soph and Jules death was not all in vain. I pray that those who love them and even those that never knew them live life a little better, a little fuller, a little more thankful, a little more grateful, a little more hopeful and a lot more faithful.
Next week on the 4th of July we will all mark 8 months without these 3 angels here on this earth…I can’t quit thinking about all of the fireworks going off all over the city and what a show these girls will have….and in my mind it’s all for them. A celebration for the life they lived and the changes they made in others in their lives and in their deaths.
With every day that passes my heart just aches with wanting to stop time, because with every hour that passes I feel so far away from the last memories I had with all of them…I want NOTHING to fade away; not for me, not for anyone. So many of us are just stuck in neutral. Trust me I know all the sayings ‘Sky would want you to go on, to laugh, to smile, to live….” Advice is easier given than taken……especially when it involves a piece of yourself and for this mom that’s literal. I look at the photo above (nice bangs I know, where were my real friends to tell me no!) and I want to just scream. I see Sky holding on tightly to me, smile upon her face…..I want to feel that embrace, I need to. I look at that image and I want to fall to my knees and scream with anger…..that can never be replicated again. Her siblings are without her love and humor and I’m without her hugs and kisses.
So today I ask for strength…..for me, her dad, her siblings, her grandparents, her aunts, her uncles, her boyfriend, her friends……I see the struggle in all of us, daily. I see it for Soph and Jules family and friends…. I see the daily struggle in us all. The greatest thing you can do for any of us is prayer….pray for strength.
We are a long time in learning that ALL our strength and salvation is in God. – David Brainerd
God never gives strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the minute. – Oswald Chambers
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. – Khalil Gibran
Sometimes you don’t realize your own strength until you come face to face with your greatest weakness. – Susan Gale
Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength. – Unknown
You were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it. – Robin Sharma
** We now have a PayPal account set up for Skylar’s Memorial Fund:
Kelli – I have three sons and have always fought off the irrational fear that I would receive a phone call such as you did for your precious Skylar. Now that my sons are raised and made it through their teens, the fear still lingers. I lost a brother in an accident at a very young adult age. We never quit worrying about our kids and close family and friends.
I can’t imagine the daily loss you feel and the deep pain you must be dealing with hour by hour. I admire your strength as you weave through the arduous grieving process.
Take care and cherish the specials moments, the laughter, and the love you shared with Skylar. You are a very strong woman who is admired by all around you.
Best regards,
Tina
Kelli your strenght just amazes me…Love YOU
I always have to read the blog from an actual computer and I always end up on the home page looking at all the pictures for what seems like forever….she was just so beautiful, hilarious and such a free spirit. I still can’t believe it’s true and cannot even fathom your constant pain. I love you and as I always say the day will come when you will finally understand why and be able to breathe again, with Sky in your arms