Wow……11 mos has come and gone. I’m on the home stretch to 1 year……..a time where the shock has worn off and the pain is more raw and real than ever before.
Above is a bench at our local park for these angels…it was just put in this week and we will host a bench dedication in just a few weeks. There is wonderful community of women who have made this possible and my heart swells with gratefulness for all they have done for 3 angels that they never knew. Heaven holds a special place for people like this.
I visited the bench the day it was set, and as I approached, my heart-felt like it weighed 100 lbs, I instantly felt drained and my emotions poured out. Seeing just one more reminder of lives cut too short. I knelt down and traced my baby’s name and death date on that plaque and I sobbed. I sat on the bench and I looked up to the heavens and once again pleaded with God for answers, for peace, for understanding, for comfort, for strength………….. and in the moment I was reminded that God won’t make it easy for the long haul but He WILL comfort me in the moment, and He did. My tears stopped, my heart beat slowed and above me 3 birds circled. Now, I know birds like to fly together but there isn’t a time that I see 3 birds and don’t think of Sky, Soph and Jules. I was at the cemetery for a long time the other day and for several minutes 4 hawks circled above their graves and through my tears I smiled and actually said out loud “looky there, you 3 made a friend……”
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
I wanted desperately to write something on October 4th ….. the 11 month mark …..something that would convey and express my pain, but words failed me…sometimes the pain is just too big to explain.
I have a photo of the girls on my desk….I look at it all day long; sometimes I cry, sometimes I stare deep in thought and sometimes I smile. I cry for my pain, for every single person’s pain that knew and loved these girls, for 3 lives taken way before their time, for memories I will never get to create, for dreams left unfilled, for the emptiness in my heart and soul. I stare in deep thought and remember….. nearly 17 years of memories with Sky and years of memories of Soph and Jules and I reflect and I let myself feel whatever it is I need to feel. I smile…..I smile for all the lives they have impacted and touched, for all the memories they left with their friends and loved ones. I smile because I can feel Sky’s arms around me and I can hear her telling me that she loves me. I smile because lives have been changed through this tragedy….I smile because these 3 angels have saved others and will continue to do so. I smile because people care and God has shown me that life isn’t fair and he has harshly reminded me that this is not our forever home…do not get comfortable…do not invest in more than you need or more than you have………
So as we are quickly approaching 1 year without Sky, Soph, & Jules….I continually remind myself (through the pain and tears) it’s one year closer to my time with them….in the meantime make it count Kelli, make your angel proud, make your 3 other babies proud, make God proud. That’s the best I can do and hope for………
And we know God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28
Kelli, Although I’m so sad reading this, it is beautifully written, as always. I know your words are helping people get through this and that is a wonderful thing. Continue to stay strong. Unfortunately, another mommy I know joined you in grieving their own child last night after her 3 year old son passed away battling leukemia. I know the circumstances were completely different, but I’m giving her your blog to read. I hope she finds comfort in your words and your strong faith in God. I pray she turns to Him and not against, and finds peace. Prayers to you all!
Praying for peace in your heart and for comfort….lean not on our own understanding, but give all the glory to God….He will never forsake you..
Praying for you always