I’ve posted this picture because Skylar and Dina have been friends since they were 5 years old…..in 10 days Dina will walk across the stage and accept her High School Diploma, Skylar will not. This is weighing so heavily on my heart this month.
I’m trying so hard to be strong and to be positive but I’m angry this month. I’m angry that we had another “anniversary” of their deaths (18 mos), I’m angry that Skylar missed her senior prom, I’m angry that I spent a 2nd Mother’s Day without a hug from her, I’m angry that I am preparing a tribute page in the yearbook for her because she doesn’t have a senior picture to share, I’m angry that I don’t get to plan a graduation party for her or cheer for her as she walks excitedly to accept her diploma, I’m angry that the pain is so intense that I am left exhausted every single day…….I’m angry.
I read something recently about how we experience suffering alone…it islands us. That doesn’t mean that we don’t have loving and supportive people around us (because I certainly do) but at the end of the day the cross and pain is ultimately ours to carry. It’s such a sad and exhausting reality. All the love, support and prayers in the world doesn’t shield us from that.
I felt like I needed to write this entry today for the other suffering moms out there (and dads, grandparents, friends, siblings). I have met too many lately, new ones with fresh wounds. I’m certainly no expert on grief but I do want them to know that the emotions come in waves and they can change like the wind; to be angry is not to doubt God or His plan….it’s okay to be angry! It’s okay to be laughing and smiling one minute and the next to feel the bile fill in your mouth as you fight off the urge to become sick at the thought of your precious child’s death. It’s okay to plan for your future and then in the next moment have guilt wash over you like a burning inferno. It’s okay to become frustrated with others around you, because truly NO ONE gets it until they have walked it….it’s impossible. And it’s okay to feel alone because of this. It’s okay to scream out to God and ask why and it’s okay to have breakdowns that leave you tear streaked, red faced and exhausted. It’s okay to want to cry alone and it’s okay to need a friend or loved one to hold you. It’s okay to fly off the handle and become uber sensitive to everything around you, it’s okay to feel like you are going crazy. It’s also okay to ask for help and to cry out to God for peace. God won’t reveal His grand design, but He will reveal himself when you call out to him.
I certainly don’t have the answers and I am still fresh in my journey and I experience every single emotion I mentioned above (and then some) but what I do know the answer to is “where is God when it hurts?” ….he’s right there waiting for you to ask for help.
My prayers today are with all of us suffering moms…..we are forever connected on this journey through hell.
Job 5:11: “The lowly he sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety”
Hebrews 13:5: “I will never leave you nor forsake you”
I love you more Skylar, stay close.
1st Annual Skylar Kooken Memorial Run – see link below for registration information. It is through your support that we are able to continue Sky’s scholarship fund; in 2 years we have given away $12,000 in scholarships. Thank you for helping us keep Sky’s name and legacy alive.
http://www.active.com/
Thank you so very much for sharing your heart and talent of writing. I needed to read this…. I have felt like I have been on an island since tragically losing my son 3 years ago.
Powerful post Kelli. Thank you for being brutally honest. I’m going to forward this on to Julie, who just lost her Wesley on March 26th in that horrible accident on Ridge Road. She, and her 18 year old daughter Ciara, are struggling with coping in the day-to-day reality of life without him. God is really using you, dear one, and your horrible pain, to reach out to others. Again, thank you. I hope to meet you one day. It would be an honor.
thank you Lisa.. I hope it helps her even if just for a moment. xo
So well written Kelli. I know my sister understands all too well. I Pray I will never know that kind of suffering as a mother or grandmother. Love you and pray for you and your kids daily!