Brokenhearted

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 –  Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

__________________________________________________________________________

I keep referring to this verse today, reminding myself that my troubles and heartache are temporary compared to my eternity with Him.

I was presented with Skylar’s autopsy this morning and the knot and sickness in the pit of my stomach has not subsided. The same 2 coroners who came to my door the morning that Skylar died, were the same 2 that arrived this morning.  I’ve said it before and as you can well imagine, I am haunted by their voices and presence. Having said that, God sent me 2 of the most gentle individuals, including a believer that asked to pray with us before he left us today.

I processed what they were telling me but in small fragments. I stayed busy after they left so as not to have to think too much about what the report said. It wasn’t until I had some time alone that I decided to read the report more in depth. I found myself reading a horrific nightmare on paper, unfortunately it was my reality and my Sky’s reality.

These are the moments when my anger begins to flare. I understand that Skylar was never truly mine, I knew someday Jesus would want her back……but WHY did it have to be in such a horrific manner?!  Skylar didn’t die peacefully in her sleep and go home to be with Jesus… Skylar was scared and died violently, if only for a split second, and now we are all left with the morbid details of the accident and of her death.  My heart is screaming out to God because I am haunted by her death, not because she is in eternity, but how she had to get there.  How do I get past that – how do any of us get past that?  As a mother, my heart skips a beat if my child skins their knees or knocks their head to hard…HOW do I recover from the reality of how she died?

I’m trying so hard to be strong and to know that God is in control but I can’t as a mother put the sickness that I feel, in every inch of my being, to rest. Unfortunately, I believe that I am asking questions that there simply are no good answers for……I believe the answer is, we don’t recover and we don’t put it to rest, we simply learn to breathe again and to walk again with this pain living inside of us.

I feel discouraged this evening and I hope that doesn’t disappoint those of you that tell me how strong I am. I am strong in my faith and I am strong in my love for God and I am strong in my love for my children…..but I am weak, I am human and I am broken.