2 months without you

This photo encompasses my Sky-bird perfectly. Goofy, joyful and forever making her friends and others laugh.

2 months ago today I lost a chunk of my heart that will never heal or be replaced. I simply can’t believe that when I wake each morning that you will not be there.  I can still hear your laugh and see your smile and I’m terrified for the day when your voice fades from my memory. Grieving and healing are ad odd pair…..when I’m grieving I feel as if I’m holding my baby tightly to my chest and when I start to feel any bit of healing it feels as if I’m leaving her behind. This is where I become stuck in neutral….and it’s a painful place to be.

For any mother (or father) who has lost a child I can only imagine that you feel the same as me…..when does it start feeling real?  I know she is gone but there are times when it simply feels unreal…too big to be true…too heavy, too incomprehensible, too  tragic for God to really be entrusting me with this pain and new path in life.

There are so many exhausting tasks to be had after your child dies….things that in a million years I NEVER imagined myself doing. Receiving the autopsy report for Skylar was bone crushing painful but I did something yesterday that was just as painful if not more……I picked up Skylar’s death certificate.

I held that in my hand and cried like a baby…I remember getting her birth certificate and looking it over carefully before I stored it in a safe place and now here I was 16 1/2 years later holding a piece of paper that told me she was no longer with us. Wow. How can this be my world? Just like a birth certificate with its place of birth, time of birth, parents names…..the death certificate is eerily similar yet so different.

To see on a piece of paper that my daughters place of death was a “roadway” and that her cause of death was Multiple Body Trauma due to a Motor Vehicle Crash (passenger-belted)….wow the details. There was more that I will spare you the details of…but can you imagine as a parent holding that piece of paper in your hands and trying to comprehend it and then trying to go about and live your life and raise your other children and go to your job and well, just simply function?

God must have A LOT of faith and trust in me and the others affected……and you know what the reminds me? It reminds me that I had better not let Him down…or my Sky-bird.

I read this today on hope from ‘Jesus Calling’

HOPE is a golden cord connecting you to heaven. This cord helps you hold your head up high, even when multitude trials are buffeting you. I never leave your side, and I never let go of your hand. But without the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may shuffle as your journey uphill with Me. Hope lifts your perspective from your weary feet to the glorious view you can see from the high road. You are reminded that the road we’re traveling together is ultimately a highway to heaven. When you consider this radiant destination, the roughness or smoothness of the road ahead becomes much less significant. I am training you to hold in your heart a dual focus: My continual Presence and the hope of heaven.

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As I sat and read that this morning I look up from my desk at 3 pictures I have hanging on my way…artwork that I purchased this summer and hung in my office, never imagining where I would be today…..in front of me I see 3 birds and the words HOPE staring me back in the face….and I smile because I feel Skylar, Sophie, Julianna and most importantly God, watching over me and smiling back.

I love you more my Sweet Sky-bird…..missing you more than ever.