3 months without you
I’m certainly trying to gather courage and inspiration from God’s word…… sometimes I just want to tell God that He expects a lot from us! I look at the verse above and I think, “God, how am I suppose be strong and courageous? Easy for you to say, you’re God!” Then I remember, exactly Kelli…He IS God….take it all to him, lay it before him and wait.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still”. Exodus 14:14
I’m trying Lord….boy am I trying. I’ve never been very good at being still and waiting……especially now in this aftermath of death and tragedy….I simply want one thing and it’s the one thing I can’t have.
I have had a surge of emotions lately…everything from complete breakdowns, to nightmares about the accident to anger at everyone who gets to move forward with their lives all the while telling me, “I understand how you feel, it will get easier, time will heal, God has a plan, she’s in a better place….” I know it’s the enemy fighting to keep me down…..filling my head with resentment and anger while God is trying to lift me up.
I’ve never known a tougher fight in my life than just simply trying to keep my head above water and not allow myself to drown in my own sorrow and pain.
I see God’s constant signs and reminders and I read and believe his word…but oh how I wish he would sit with me and chat, hold my hand and tell me by baby is safe in his arms……my faith is great but my pain at times is even greater.
Here I sit on the 3rd month “anniversary” of missing these 3 angels…..and my heart and soul are as tired and sad as before…..I’m trying to be still God and let you fight for me…..but this mother’s heart is so broken and sad how do I do this? How do I not ache and cry out for my first-born child? My baby girl that I would gladly give my life for……how do I carry this pain and move forward without falling apart?
And as I deal with my own misery I look around at my children who are suffering without their sister….. my other teenage daughter who is trapped within herself with pain… my boys that cry themselves to sleep over missing their big sis….Dear Jesus in heaven wrap your arms around my babies…..I can handle my own pain, I can’t bear to see them suffer anymore.
Every thing in life is so small and insignificant in comparison to our loss of Skylar, Soph and Juls……I apologize if my thoughts and conversations are all too consuming with these girls……so little else matters now.
To all of the family, friends and even strangers that continue to pray for all of us, God Bless You. We have no greater need than prayer.
Love you more baby girl………