I post this picture and blog today with a heavy and sad heart…… there is something very wrong with posting an image from a family vacation and Skylar is not in it. Last week we enjoyed a bittersweet Spring Break in Ft. Myers where every single day the absence of these 3 girls was felt. This was to be a week where Skylar, Sophie and Julianna would have been a part of….it was hard to wake up each morning and go to sleep each night knowing that there are no more family vacations for these angels.
I’ve struggled greatly the last few weeks over missing Skylar…. I know that will never end for me, but these past weeks have been different. The pain seems more raw and more close to home…..I can’t believe we’ve all endured 5 months without them. I don’t want to go another day without them. My strength comes and goes and lately it seems I won’t survive this lifetime without Sky… the physical pain of missing her is consuming me and destroying my very soul.
I’m once again angry. I’m so angry that my Lexy will not grow up with a big sister that loved and protected her so very much. How is THAT God’s will? I want Lexy to have that bond and friendship that lasts long after I have gone away…..sisters are suppose to grow old together. I hate this path…. I accept it but I HATE it.
I want to plan Skylar’s graduation, I want to help her pack for college, I want to help her plan a wedding and I want to hold her babies…..she will NEVER get any of that and neither will I …..that’s hard to swallow and hard to breathe each day when you finally let your mind accept it.
Prom is in just a few weeks…it actually falls on May 4th….the 6 month anniversary of our babies death….. how bittersweet. I will be helping Lexy get ready for her first Prom, knowing darn well that her mind will be on the girls and knowing that Skylar should be going to the prom with Tony. I’ll never get that again with her.
I told someone yesterday that I feel as if I have a 100 lb boulder on my shoulders and an elephant on my heart….all while trying to run uphill. I still don’t know how this pain will not kill me. My children are my heart and soul…….and when you bury one so young and suddenly, a huge piece of you goes with them. A piece that is lost forever……
Summer is around the corner, the days are warmer and the nights are longer. Skylar LOVED this time of year….I can’t imagine her best friends going through this first summer without the girls. My heart breaks for all of them.
I know I have no choice but to just keep moving…no choice but to just keep breathing and no choice but to accept my reality…… the fact is, all of those choices suck.
I know I will only make it through with God and prayer(s)…… and boy do all 3 families need a lot of prayer. Psalm 28:7 – “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.”