Here I sit yet again in total disbelief that this is the life I was handed. Completely beside myself in utter awe that I have a child that I visit at a cemetery. In 2 days we will hit the 6 month mark of the day this earth lost 3 beautiful girls and heaven gained 3 amazing angels. 6 very long months, yet 6 months that I can’t believe I have survived.
How I get up each morning and function each day is a mystery unto me. Well, God for sure is carrying me along and wonderful friends help keep my head above water and the love I have for my 3 other babies pushes me through…but really there are days I just want to give up. There is probably a point of time in every single day that I just want to throw in the towel and succumb to all of this pain and heartache. I’ve made hundreds of analogies regarding this pain I have to live with and none ever seem to describe it just right. I try to think of things to compare it to and I get frustrated when I can’t think of a comparable circumstance. However, thank God I can’t, because I would not want any other pain in life to compare to this one. At times I feel like a frustrated toddler who can’t find the words to express himself….not being able to find the words to tell others how I feel is a pain itself. It’s hard to explain that frustration.
Prom is this Saturday (6 mos) and it is so very bittersweet in our home. This will be Lexy’s first prom and it’s been so fun helping her get ready for this big day. I can’t help but shed tears and feel my heart fill with sadness knowing that Skylar should be preparing for this very same dance. Lexy is going in a group with all of Skylar’s friends….Sophie and Skylar should be in that very same group. Graduation is in just a few weeks…Sophie should be there…there’s just no way to keep your mind from traveling down that road of “what should have been”. Just 3 days before graduation we will award 6 Bellbrook seniors with $1,000 college scholarships in honor of our Sky-bird. I say that with such a heavy heart…I’m happy to offer this but so very sad that it is even part of my vocabulary.
I saw in a convenience store yesterday a coffee drink with Bob Marley on the front “Wake up & Live”…. I instantly thought of Sky and Sophie. Not just because they loved Bob but because that’s what they would be saying to all of us. “Mom, wake up and live!!! You’ll get me back someday…hold on to that thought it will carry you through…”. Dear God it’s those thoughts and those thoughts only that help me remember to breathe each day.
This ones for you girls:
Wake up and live! “Life is one big road with lots of signs, so when you’re riding through the ruts, don’t you complicate your mind: Flee from the hate, mischief and jealousy! Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality.” — Bob Marley
Love you more Sky, Soph and Jules…. xoxoxox