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A Grieving Mother

Posted on September 25, 2013

 

MyReality

I honestly don’t even know where my head is today. I have so much going on inside this brain of mine that it’s likely to explode at any moment. I spent some time earlier this week holding my baby’s clothes from the night of the accident….therapeutic for me at times. Yes, I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all (thank you 3 Days Grace for that one).  So I took a photo and just sat and meditated on the fact that this IS the last outfit she will EVER pick out on this earth…I’ve said it before…but the REALITY of it is overwhelming. I want you all to just sit on that and think….for all you young drivers who read my blog…for all of you adults that think you’re invincible and above death or for any of you that just don’t think this could happen to you or your family…..I beg you to look at my image above because that is MY reality and unfortunately the reality for way too many of us.

I have thought a lot over the last several weeks how death has changed me. It’s inevitable yes, you don’t go through a tragedy of this magnitude and not come out unscathed…damaged….beaten down…broken. I’ve prayed and prayed for this not to ruin me but yet I continue to see things around me crumble to the ground. It’s impossible to have your heart ripped from your chest and then not question everything and everyone around you….so afraid of more hurt on top of the huge gaping wound.

I have read through so many websites and blogs and even books and I have seen how other mothers JUST LIKE ME are surviving and I want to smack myself silly. Get up Kel — quit complaining, others have survived this!!!!  Where is that gosh darn manual that I was suppose to have been given the day I had to bury my baby!??  Where is it!?!?!?

In talking with other grieving mothers I know we all feel so alone ……. maybe not literally speaking but emotionally we feel alone. Everyone’s journey is different as we’ve all heard time and time again. It’s not like a college class….you can have a study buddy and a motivator……no for us, our tests and learning all come on different days. Hence, the feeling of being all alone. Left out here to figure it all out along the way. I pray for peace and I feel it, I do. But I also know that God himself can’t even take this away…..not unless he presented Skylar before me as I type….this will NOT end until the day we are reunited. Yes, THAT is a comforting thought but for a mother it is NOT soon enough!!!! So what do we do in the meantime? We wait! We cry! We scream! We question! We pray! We vent! We lean on others! And some days we lose our minds from all the chaos inside of it.

So what does a grieving mother need? Patience ….LOTS of patience. Love. Prayers. Hugs. Smiles. A Gentle Touch. Faithful Friends. Did I mention Love?

“Love would never leave us alone”  
―     Bob Marley

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

 

 

10 Comments

  1. I came across this and thought of you. Thank you for sharing your world through your blog. You are truly inspiring. God bless you and your family.

    I believe that the strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us but those who fight battles we know nothing about. I’ve learned over the years that some of the most loving, dedicated, compassionate people are those who have seen the ugly side of life. People who have been to hell on Earth and lived to tell the story. Only those people can truly appreciate the light for they have lived in darkness; they love with more intensity for they have known hate; they laugh freely for they have too often cried; and they feel deeply for at one point thay couldn’t feel anything at all.

  2. I am so very sorry about your daughter. I understand everything you are going through as I lost my son in 2007. I describe to anyone that will listen that I have a giant hole inside me that will always be there and I try to live around it. Some days that is impossible . Somedays the memories of him are wonderful, other days way to painful. I feel like a stranger so often around my friends. I know that they try to understand but until you live a tragedy like this that is impossible. I do have more good days as time passes,and I know my love for him will be forever. My other kids miss him so very much and when we talk now we can all laugh about some of the things he did. Please know that time does help and your love for her will again be a joy.

  3. I can remember seeing this story on the news & watching the coverage made my heart drop from my chest • as a mother myself I can not even begin to know what you are going thru • I hope and pray you find the peace and comfort you need to help you make it during this daily struggle • we can all easily sit back and say it will be okay one day but “we” are not in your shoes …. Better days are coming

  4. Just know that you and your family are thought of and prayed for daily. I hope that you will find some peace in time. I hope one day it will be easier for you to breathe. Not a day goes by and I don’t think about the girls. You are keeping them alive with your writing. Stay strong.

    • You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are so admirable. My heart breaks for you when I see you at ftball. A child of mine (BHS 2013 grad)misses the girls immensely, as do his friends and our entire community. He had sooo much fun w/Sky at Ash and Tay’s, the Greene, or wherever they were. We will never forget-we will never be the same. Thanks for sharing and touching so many lives while you experience what Moms have heard to be “a mother’s worst nightmare”. Admirable-xoxo!!!

  5. Kelly, You don’t know me but I feel for you with your pain. I cannot imagine loosing a child but somehow God does pull us through these hard times. Your writings are so beautiful and even though I didn’t know Skylar I am sure she is up in heaven shinning down on you and wanting to take your pain away.

  6. Praying for you always

  7. I am so sorry.

    I pray that God wraps his loving arms around you to comfort and calm you. That He gives you the strength to lead your young family; that you allow yourself to fall but be able to get back up again. Amen.

  8. Honey, I am constantly praying for you… this journey is a lonely one but it is one you have to take with the Lord!
    Love you.

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