I honestly don’t even know where my head is today. I have so much going on inside this brain of mine that it’s likely to explode at any moment. I spent some time earlier this week holding my baby’s clothes from the night of the accident….therapeutic for me at times. Yes, I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all (thank you 3 Days Grace for that one). So I took a photo and just sat and meditated on the fact that this IS the last outfit she will EVER pick out on this earth…I’ve said it before…but the REALITY of it is overwhelming. I want you all to just sit on that and think….for all you young drivers who read my blog…for all of you adults that think you’re invincible and above death or for any of you that just don’t think this could happen to you or your family…..I beg you to look at my image above because that is MY reality and unfortunately the reality for way too many of us.
I have thought a lot over the last several weeks how death has changed me. It’s inevitable yes, you don’t go through a tragedy of this magnitude and not come out unscathed…damaged….beaten down…broken. I’ve prayed and prayed for this not to ruin me but yet I continue to see things around me crumble to the ground. It’s impossible to have your heart ripped from your chest and then not question everything and everyone around you….so afraid of more hurt on top of the huge gaping wound.
I have read through so many websites and blogs and even books and I have seen how other mothers JUST LIKE ME are surviving and I want to smack myself silly. Get up Kel — quit complaining, others have survived this!!!! Where is that gosh darn manual that I was suppose to have been given the day I had to bury my baby!?? Where is it!?!?!?
In talking with other grieving mothers I know we all feel so alone ……. maybe not literally speaking but emotionally we feel alone. Everyone’s journey is different as we’ve all heard time and time again. It’s not like a college class….you can have a study buddy and a motivator……no for us, our tests and learning all come on different days. Hence, the feeling of being all alone. Left out here to figure it all out along the way. I pray for peace and I feel it, I do. But I also know that God himself can’t even take this away…..not unless he presented Skylar before me as I type….this will NOT end until the day we are reunited. Yes, THAT is a comforting thought but for a mother it is NOT soon enough!!!! So what do we do in the meantime? We wait! We cry! We scream! We question! We pray! We vent! We lean on others! And some days we lose our minds from all the chaos inside of it.
So what does a grieving mother need? Patience ….LOTS of patience. Love. Prayers. Hugs. Smiles. A Gentle Touch. Faithful Friends. Did I mention Love?
“Love would never leave us alone”
― Bob Marley
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13