They say there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance…..with of course the depression stage lasting the longest. Certainly not a list that is hard to figure out or even shocking. However, when talking in terms of losing your child….your perfect beautiful child who had her entire life in front of her, I think we need to add another stage, a stage that never ends…. at least not that I can imagine. A stage that is so incomprehensible that you can not even put its true meaning into words. I think it falls with depression and again after acceptance….and that is Broken…… I’ve certainly said it on here a thousand times but until you LIVE this hell the term “broken” does not even equate to what you grew up thinking the word meant. It is the dictionary meaning of broken times infinity ……that’s how I feel….that’s how too many parents who have lost their children feel….a pain without explanation….. a 24 hour, 7 days a week pain ….. a pain we fight to not show too often. A pain we have no choice but to live with. A pain that changes who we are, forever. A pain with no remedy, no vaccine, no magic healing words…..it just IS.
I write about this today not because this is news to any of you…especially not to those of you who read my blog and have too buried your heart……but more as a reminder to others of just how real and raw this pain is. Every day without Skylar hurts but of course coming fresh off the 1 year anniversary and heading right into Thanksgiving and Christmas is just a double whammy. The holidays were always Sky’s favorite… it meant FOOD and GIFTS — what kid doesn’t love that?!! And of course it entails family time and gatherings and reminiscing and there is a huge void for all of this during this season.
I can type all of this out and you may even shake your heads and believe that you understand, but trust me, you don’t… and THANK GOD that you don’t. Remember as you are complaining about holiday shopping, annoyed with family members, or fed up with your kids during Christmas Break……there are too many of us that have to get up and visit our babies in a cemetery on Christmas morning. We can’t buy gifts for our angels and we can’t kiss them goodnight or even wish them a Happy New Year…… we are broken. Forever stuck in a stage of grief with no ending; at least not on this earth.
I hope you all have a blessed Christmas and that we all remember and recognize the true meaning of this holiday season.
Hug Your Babies.
1 year and 1 month too long without you 3 …. I love and miss you…..more.