Baby girl where do I even begin? It has been quite some time since I’ve written an open letter to you. I have been relatively quiet on here for the last several weeks; mainly trying to get through the holidays and the heartache that now accompanies this time of year. I haven’t had anything very positive to share, therefore I have kept quiet.
So many told me that year 2 would be harder than year 1, I have to say I agree with them at this point. The numbness and shock have waned and the constant physical support has slowed. Of course everyone must return to and manage their own busy lives, that is expected. Nonetheless, sometimes the silence is oh so deafening. I simply long to hear laughter coming from your room again, I want to try to enter only to find the door locked, finally entering only to find clothes strewn all about and before I can even tell you to clean it up you’re already telling me not to touch anything, you will handle it.
Sometimes visiting your room is impossible for me. I open your door and instantly emotions flood over me and if I know i don’t have time to “fall apart” I have to close your door and save it for another time. I’m sure you’ve witnessed me doing this. It’s so hard Sky to sit in there and not hear you, feel you, smell you and then to long for you. I go in there and I touch your things and look through your drawers and I scream at God; silently if others are home and out loud if I am alone.
I love when I feel you near me, please don’t ever stop doing whatever it is that you do. As I lay in bed last night yearning for you and trying so hard to stop my tears I felt an amazing warmth and tingle fall over my entire body and I knew instantly that it was you. I felt you and I needed you at that very moment. Thank you. And don’t think I didn’t notice the email that arrived in my junk box (spam of course) at that very time from Sky.com ……. I know that was you too.
Everyone tells me and reminds me how you are always with me, and I am certain that you are…but it’s not the same and it certainly doesn’t fill the void of your earthly presence, dear God I wish it did. Nothing will fill that void and agony of not being able to experience and share this life with you. I, we, you, have been robbed of HS graduation, college, marriage, motherhood…..my selfish heart breaks for all that I am missing with you. I can only hear so many times that you are in a better place and that I will see you again someday. I know I will baby, just not soon enough.
I look at pictures of you every single day, sometimes for longer than is probably healthy and I reminisce and often times I cry. Just yesterday I looked at a card I gave you for your 16th birthday. You had it proudly displayed on a shelf in your room. I had forgotten what I wrote inside and when I read it, it brought me to my knees. The card itself was about you growing up too quickly and how I was savoring every moment with you because before too long you would be a woman and out on your own. Inside the card I told you how proud I was of you and that I would always be there for you. Little did I know it would be the last birthday card I ever gave to you and that I would never get to see you grow into the beautiful, independent woman who I knew you would be.
It’s still so surreal Sky …… I can hear all of your voices. I can see you and Sophie sleeping until all hours of the day in your room and then rushing around later, leaving the bathroom in a wreck, and then running out the door. I can hear Jules and Lexy behind her locked door, planning God knows what. I would give anything for just one more day like those.
I hate the path that God has placed me on…..I accept it and I trust Him, but I HATE it. I don’t know who I am anymore. Trying to have some semblance of normalcy is exhausting at times. I hate life without you and I hate imagining the rest of my life here without you. And beyond that, after I am long gone, my poor Lexy won’t have you by her side. She’s suppose to have you for the long haul…….I don’t understand…..these thoughts and the reality of them leave me broken inside. They leave me with just a fraction of myself.
I guess the most healing thing for me is to continually talk about you. Whether is be via my blog, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, casual conversation or the like…..I NEED to talk about you and I NEED others to remember you and to talk about you. I know your memory will fade for others and that breaks me. At times I even struggle to hear your voice and I am forced to play a video clip just so I can be reminded. I find myself looking at Lexy’s hands and toes because they look so much like yours. Who would have thought that appendages would become so important to me?
“I miss you” goes without saying and besides, those 3 words seem so tiny and weak in comparison to how I truly feel. My heart bleeds and breaks without your existence and my life will never be full again. Yes, I will go on and I will continue to be the very best that I can be for your 3 siblings, but even they know that I am no longer who I once was…..how could I ever be? The life I once knew is no more and ceased to exist the moment the coroner arrived at my door. It’s like learning to live again. Learning to live with the weight of grief on my shoulders. And yes, grief has a physical weight and boy is it heavy.
Sky, I am so very thankful that I never waited to tell you how much I love you and how proud I am of you….Thank you God for forming me into a loving mother that knows the value of her children. Although far from perfect and never without mistakes, I know you left this earthly world knowing how much you meant to me and so many others.
I am selfish and I ask that you stay close to me, your dad, your siblings and all of those that love and miss you so very, very much. Let us feel your presence and always know that you are near. I know you are safe and happy and I thank God every day for that knowledge but we all still need you so very much.
It’s not goodbye, it’s until I see you again.
I love you more sweet baby girl