Wow, wow, wow what an emotional roller coaster this month has been, and it’s not over yet. To say that May 2014 is one of the most difficult months of my life is an understatement. Prayers please for May 30th, as we attend the sentencing for Tate, the driver of the accident. Most of you are aware of where my family and myself stand. I just finished an emotional letter that I will read to the judge when I address the court this Friday morning….praying for strength and for God’s love and mercy to surround us all.
Seeing Skylar’s empty chair on Saturday morning at graduation nearly brought me to my knees. Even looking at the image now as I type I have to hold back the bile that is forming in my stomach….it’s surreal and it’s a near debilitating image to process. The image of Dina with Sky above has made me smile and cry all weekend long.
Many times when I sit down to write I do so praying that the outlet will release some of the anger, sadness, frustration, etc that I am holding on to. Some times it does, other times I am just left more exhausted than ever. I honestly do not know how one soul can carry so much grief…..I am worse for the wear at this point. I am completely and utterly exhausted and the weight of the grief is suffocating.
I’ve been reading a lot lately in different grief groups that I am a part of, and the feelings are all so similar, it’s such a sad reality. So many of us crushed by the grief, feeling as if we are unable to function at 100%, and so exhausted that the mere word ‘exhausted’ doesn’t even do it justice. We’re frustrated at others because they can’t possibly understand the level of grief that we carry and frustrated at ourselves and knowing that there is nothing we can do about it. There is no break from grief, no end in sight and no remedy. The prayers of others and my prayers to God are what get me through. I find it hard to even want to get up for work each day, and we are nearly 19 mos after our loss….the struggle is real, boy is it real. Some days it is easier to be angry at the world and angry at my path in life, then to try to find the positive in it all.
My heart is so incredibly heavy for all of those traveling the same hellish highway as me…….the weight of all of our grief combined could surely sink this earth and every planet in the atmosphere. I thought to myself the other day while searching for a parking space and I saw several open handicap spaces ( I am NOT discounting the need for handicap spaces) but I said aloud, “Dear God, I feel so handicapped. I am definitely operating with missing appendages and a mangled heart but to those that don’t know me, I look whole”. I’ve said it before and I will say it again , all of the prayer in the world, all of the amazing uplifting quotes, and all of the hugs from strangers and loved ones alike, will not change what we all still face at the close of each day, and that is a missing piece of ourselves, a gaping painful wound that never closes. We live with the frustration of knowing that this is a pain that we must endure for the rest of our lives, and that my friends is so tiresome and sad.
Because of this reality it is important for those of you supporting a grieving friend or loved one to remember, they are forever changed, and they are forever broken, and they are forever grieving. The same way that I believe that God didn’t make a mistake with his calling Skylar to her forever home; I also believe that He knows who he leaves in the path of those that are grieving. God knows what his children need and He places helping hands in front of his broken loves. Imagine what a beautiful world this would be if we actually did what we were intended for on this earth…to love others and to help others and to encourage others.
I appreciate all of the love and support that we have received in the last 19 months…if you’re a prayer warrior, please don’t ever stop lifting all of us up in prayer and that includes Sophie’s family, Julianna’s family and Tate and his family.
God Bless You All and Happy Graduation Day in heaven, Sky…… your earthly presence is forever missed.
I love you more…….