One Day at a Time
I’m sitting here this afternoon feeling at a loss for words. I have so many thoughts and feelings that run through my mind continually, but when I sat to type today, I have one thought that just keeps coming to the surface. November 4, 2012 was not the day that my daughter and her friends died, it is the date that should be remembered as the birth of their new everlasting life; their new birth date. My mind is blown hourly that I (and the other families involved) am making the types of decisions that I have had to make in the last 24 days. My mind is blown that tomorrow Skylar’s dad and myself are going to look at headstones for our oldest baby. My mind simply won’t wrap itself around the finality of her life ending on this earth; call it a survival mechanism, call it God. Tate and Zack told us the story that just seconds after the crash there was an unusually bright light that filled up the entire cab of the truck; we are all comforted in knowing that that was our God coming for these 3 beautiful souls, to take them home. I’ve told many of you that I am haunted by so many aspects of this horrific accident and no mother (or parent) should ever have to endure what we have and my heart has always broken for those that have (even before this accident). I’m haunted by the 3 men at my door in the middle of the night and the softness in their eyes and voice as they asked to be let inside. I’m haunted by them asking to see a photo of Skylar and my brain not working with my hands to even know how to work my phone to show them. I’m haunted by them telling me that it wasn’t just my baby that was killed but when they named Skylar’s best friend Sophie and my Lexy’s best friend Julianna, my world seemed to come crashing in on me. I am living my worst absolute nightmare. I have text messages that I will post on here in coming days between Skylar and myself that are dated November 1st and we are discussing my fear of car accidents and my kids. It’s eerie for me to read them knowing just 3 days later my daughter was one of those statistics. At times I feel like I am living some sad lifetime movie or reading a fiction novel; the impact this has had on our community and ourselves personally is overwhelming to say the least. No parent should have to bury a child, but the tragedy and suddenness and 3 lives lost in a split second, is at times unbearable and I simply can’t even make myself get out of bed to start my day. I TRUST and have FAITH that God has these beautiful souls by His side and our time on earth is so very temporary, and we WILL be reunited again……however, this does not ease my pain of hurt, sadness, loneliness and yes even anger. I was telling a good friend last night that I’ve always hoped to live to a ripe old age and watch all of my children grow old as well. I am now ready for this life and world to be over; this world is so cruel and unfair that I am ready for Jesus to take all of his children home. I don’t want to live another 50 years on this earth without my Sky-bird by my side….my mind won’t even let me fathom a year without her let alone 50. My prayer for each and every one of you is that you live your lives so that you see these 3 beautiful girls again, make each day count and never ever forget them. They loved life and their friends and families so much that they deserve to be remembered each and every day. They left a huge footprint in the short time they were all here and I’ve seen lives changed dramatically in the last 24 days, including my own. I have more love in my heart than I can even explain, in a time that I should be filled with resentment, anger and bitterness, I see myself looking at everything differently and I mean everything. I always told people that Skylar and I were so much alike it was scary — our personalities are eerily similar. The connection and closeness that Skylar and I had is what my heart and soul is crying for right now. I find myself starting to text her something so funny or something that she would typically be the first person I’d tell and then quickly realize I can no longer do that. But what I can do is live my life in honor of her (and Soph and Juls) EVERY single day. Skylar had so much love in her heart for her friends and Skylar had friends from ALL walks of life. She was not your typical 16 year old girl that has to be with the “in or cool” crowd; she literally had friends of all colors, races, economic backgrounds, ages, sex etc. She inspires me to be the same way. Love you more baby girl.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” Proverbs 3:5