Well today started out as a doozy for me. My alarm sounded at 6:05am to wake up Lexy for school and instantly my heart began racing and my mind was begging me not to start another day. Typically it’s at this hour that we would hear Skylar’s heavy footsteps running up the steps to beat Lexy to the shower (Skylar stomped like a Clydesdale throughout the house; it was the family joke) and the silence in the hallway was deafening to me this morning. I instantly heard Skylar’s voice in my head saying nothing really specific but it was just the sweet sound of her…something I FEAR I will forget, her voice.
Before I went to bed last night I decided to pull out the lock of hair that I had my funeral director cut for me. I hadn’t had the nerve to look at it yet. Her hair was the one thing I held onto at the viewing and funeral because it still felt like her; unlike her body that was cold and stiff and so very hard for me to touch, her hair was still very much her. I looked at those locks last night and felt them between my fingers and I wept and ached like never before. It’s the only thing I have left of her in the physical sense; the one item that was a part of her humanly body form.
I then decided to finally google the accident, again something I had yet to do. I didn’t even watch the news when all of this was happening. I can’t believe that the news of this accident hit the AP; I found it every where from The Huffington Post to the Washington Post to Boston.com Seeing my child’s name and photo (and Soph and Jul) splattered on all of these sites and papers was again a surreal moment and heart shattering at the same time. I believe to this day I am STILL in shock over this tragedy.
When I need to feel a certain closeness to Sky I go and hold her clothes from the night that she died. Just knowing that it is the last thing she wore and the last outfit she picked out brings me some odd sense of calmness. Sometimes I put her shoes on from that night and just feel them on my feet.
I have no real words of wisdom or comfort today; but I do feel the prayers coming through. I feel a sense of peace come over me just as I feel like my heart is going to leap from my chest and I know that is all of your prayers reaching me. THANK YOU to each and every one of you that have helped in ANY way throughout this tragedy and thank you for all of the prayers….keep them coming for me and my entire family and all of Skylar’s friends. So many of Sky, Soph and Julianna’s friends are struggling so deeply and my heart breaks for them, please keep each and every one of them in your prayers as well.
I know everyone’s lives must move on when ours is stuck in neutral…I’m trying not to be angry that my life (and those closest to Sky) will never fully move forward, but I pray that none of you forget the impact this tragedy has had on this small community nor forget that life is so very short and unpredictable, live each day to its fullest potential.
I’ve included a photo of one of Skylar’s favorite songs with this blog post and today I am taking a lesson from her….and she is telling me loud and clear: “Mom, don’t think twice, it’s alright.”