I posted the following to my Facebook page last week:
I’m in this “club” that I didn’t ask to be in. It has many members…way too many, there should be a maximum occupancy set for this club but there’s not, instead members just keep showing up, unannounced and unexpected. There are so many of us, yet we move throughout this club alone, for a period anyhow…. Stuck within ourselves, trying to find a way out and realizing there isn’t one. Our next step is trying to learn how to exist within this club that we never asked to be in and never wanted to be a part of. It’s a club that separates us from others….. Distinguishes us from the haves and the have-nots. Unfortunately, in this club being a “have” is not a good thing. I wish I was a have not. I wish my membership to this club had an expiration date or an early termination clause….. I’d give anything for this club to fold and cease to exist. I wonder how the members of this club are chosen? It’s a sad club. A heart wrenching, earth shattering, soul clutching, life changing, mind-blowing, heart breaking, body numbing, club. I have my club card. Established November 4, 2012. Forever branded on my heart and soul. — with Skylar Kooken.
I’ve thought a lot this week about this “club” that I have found myself included in. I know I’ve said it before and you will probably hear me say it a hundred more times….I can NOT believe this is the path my God has chosen for me. And I am aware that we all have free will…I say “the path he has chosen for me” loosely..but ultimately no matter what, He is in control. As of lately I have found my strength waning, no doubt from exhaustion and sadness, and I find myself questioning how on earth I will survive this pain. I know I speak for others who have lost a child to a tragedy such as this….Sweet Jesus in heaven this TRAUMA that we are left to endure is painstakingly debilitating and overwhelming! I know my God is there for me when I call out to him….and he slows my tears and helps me function at a fairly average rate of normalcy…..but this pain, dear God this pain….it never goes away. I am not looking for sympathy or pity…… I just simply have no other way to explain this than sheer absolute hell on earth and a torturous pain that we, members of this club, have to live with….with every breath we take.
I posted photos of 2 of my newest tattoos. My “Breathe” tattoo is a daily reminder to myself to just breathe….when all else fails just breathe…..and surrounding that reminder are 3 free birds, representing Skylar, Sophie and Julianna. I miss and love these 3 girls so much but I look at my wrist and I see them free and soaring high…..and for a moment I smile.
My other tattoo is what Skylar wanted for her 17th birthday (March 25), I had this placed somewhere on my body that I never imagined I would have a tattoo…just under my collarbone. I did this for good reason, I want to see this every time I look in the mirror as a reminder from my sweet angel and from God…. “Don’t think twice, it’s all right Kelli….”.
I read a quote today from Pastor Rick Warren (author of a Purpose Driven Life):
“Your greatest ministry will likely come out of your greatest hurt.”
Wow. How bittersweet is that thought? I can only hope and pray that my faith and love for Jesus Christ shines through even in my darkest hours (and there will be many I assure you), and yes, that thought brings me joy. On the flip side, how utterly devastating that I’m reaching others via the death of 3 precious angels.
There was a wonderful fundraiser held for Skylar yesterday and organized by some wonderful friends. Throughout the night I was told many times how proud and in awe people are of my strength… I take ZERO of that credit. This is all God. Yes, I have an open heart and I know with Him all things are possible….but without his loving arms around me 24/7 I would surely fall.
I leave you with this:
Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Micah 7:8
“God will not permit any troubles to come upon us unless He has a specific plan by which great blessing can come out of the difficulty.” (the late Rev. Peter Marshall)
I’m listening for my plan…..I trust God has a great big one.
I love you more my sweet Sky….missing you like there is no tomorrow….