This is one of my favorite pictures of Skylar…taken just weeks before the accident.
I have been fairly quiet lately and I apologize for that. I keep waiting for my days to get easier but instead they are filled with more memories of Skylar, if that is even possible. I’m back to being angry, and don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry at God per say but I am angry that this tragic situation was even in the cards for me and my family.
I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat myself now; I trust and believe that heaven is an AMAZING place that none of us can ever comprehend. However, having said that, my tears today are for the earthly things that I will miss with my daughter. Simple tasks of just taking all of the kids to the dentist (which we did today) and the void of Skylar not being there filled the entire place. Every person there felt the absence of Skylar. It warmed my heart that she is missed by even our dentist, but it also wretched my stomach knowing that is how it will forever be on this earth….a void without her.
I am still trying to come to peace with the idea that this is God’s will for our lives. People lose loved ones every day and my heart breaks for anyone that has to let a loved one go……harsh reminder of just how difficult this world is. I live every day in fear now…fear of losing someone else close to me (God forbid another child) and some day I know I will have to face death yet again with someone I love. God help me when I do.
I’m truly trapped within myself these days. I know God is in control, I have faith He will see me through this and I have hope for a brighter tomorrow. However, the reality is I am broken, I am numb, I am lost, I am scared, I am lonely, I am empty and yes, at times I even feel completely destroyed and alone. This is when it is hard to imagine the good in all of this and to understand God’s will. Yes, I know in time (and maybe not even until heaven) God’s will, will be revealed to me. That doesn’t help a grieving mother’s heart. I know a lot of things to be true, but in times of deep sorrow and grief, knowing is sometimes our greatest enemy. I also know that God had the ability to prevent the accident or to even save these babies in the aftermath. He saved 3, why not 6? I know I’m not suppose to ask these questions because they will get me nowhere. However, try being a grieving mother and just try and push these thoughts out of your mind. I can pretend all day that my faith has never wavered and I accepted God’s will from the moment I was told that my baby was killed; but I would be a liar and frankly, not human.
So that is where I am 79 days later…..confused, sad, broken, and trying to find my way in the dark. I feel God near me and I feel the prayers. However, this thing called death is bigger than all of us. Compile death with that of your teenage daughter and her 2 beautiful friends, and you’re left with a hole in your heart and a void in your life that has no proper adjectives to even describe the pain.
I’m writing today asking for prayers. Prayers for not just me but for Skylar’s siblings, dad, grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, FRIENDS, boyfriend……literally everyone that loved her and is missing her. And I ask for prayers for Sophie’s family and Julianna’s. I know many of you pray daily for all of us….but today the need seems so much bigger. Thank you for your willingness to lift us up in prayer so often. It is our greatest need right now.
I love you more my sweet Sky….missing you every second of the day. What a difference you made in your short life. I’m so very proud of you.
Psalm 107:28-30 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven.
Lord please calm the storm.