All I want to do is close my eyes
I don’t want to open them again
Till I’m standing on the other side

I don’t even want to be right now
I don’t want to think another thought
I don’t want to feel this pain I feel
Right now pain is all I’ve got
It feels like its all I’ve got
But I know that its not
Oh I know you’re all I’ve got

And I will trust you, I’ll trust you
Trust you God, I will
Even when I don’t understand
Even then I will say again
You are my God
And I will trust You

God I’m longing for the day to come
When this cloudy glass I’m looking through
Is shattered in a million pieces
And finally I can just see You
God you know I believe its true
I know I will see you
But until the day I do

And I will trust you, I’ll trust you
Trust you God, I will
Even when I don’t understand
Even then I will say again
You are my God
And I will trust You

And with every breath I take
And for every day that breaks
I will trust you
I will trust you
and when nothing is making sense
Even then I will say again
God I trust You
I will trust You

I know your heart is good
I know your love is strong
I know your plans for me
Are much better than my own

So I will trust you, I’ll trust you
I trust you God, I will
Even when I can’t see the end

~ “I Will Trust You” by Steven Curtis Chapman


I ran across this song today completely by accident….well what I thought was by accident. I’m quickly learning that these little “accidents” are God’s nuggets to me. Sending me small reminders just when I need them most.

Today was an emotional morning. I met with Skylar’s art teacher about what we wanted creatively to happen with the 3 benches that my work donated for these 3 beautiful girls. As I stood there and looked at these benches it hit me like a smack in the face….this is what is left of these girls at the school. Wow, that is a sad realization. I walked the halls to go and visit Sky’s favorite classroom (no doubt because she loved the teacher and she was oh so lucky to share this period with her closest friends) and I passed Sky’s empty locker. I stood in front of it with my hand on the lock picturing her standing in this exact position on the Friday before she died….throwing her books inside and excited that it was Friday!  Party time!  My heart swelled with emotion as again I was reminded that she had no idea she would never return to that spot.

I am getting daily reminders of a life Skylar never expected to end so suddenly. TV shows she has set to record on our DVR, magazine subscriptions still arriving at the house, dental appointment reminders, library late notices…..the list goes on.

How many of us take advantage of the thought that we will return each day? I know I have in the past…..after burying 3 girls I loved so dearly, I will never take another day for granted. Knowing that not one of them ever expected not to return to school on Monday November 5th.

Each and every day is a battle for me to listen and be still and recognize what this new plan is that God has placed me on. I loved the path I was traveling. It was safe and predictable and it was happy. That path no longer exists for me and my family and I’m struggling to be patient and know that He is God.

I talk to Skylar every single day, I don’t know how this heaven thing works. I can only hope that she doesn’t see my crying out in pain for her but yet I want her to know how much she is loved and missed. I want her to know that her friends ache for her every single day and that her family is so lost without her. But I know that God knows. I know that someday it will all make sense.

Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.

1 Corinthians 4:2

Ah yes, the old saying that “I wish He didn’t trust me so much.”  Isn’t that the God’s honest truth!  I don’t want this responsibility, but here I am, holding it in my lap anyway.

I look at the image I posted above and it rings true for all of my children. There is NO greater love than that of a mother and her child….or is there? I know how much I love my children and I would die a thousands deaths for each of them…..yet I can’t fathom the love our Father has for us. And I think to myself, I can switch out the word “mom” for the word “God” and that is a truer statement than any other. With that realization I have a peace wash over me. A peace that tells me my baby girl is just where she is supposed to be and that my God is holding me and guiding me and loving me through this incredible pain. The same that I would be doing for my own children if I saw them in agony. If I only listen and follow He will carry me through.

This reality does not take my pain away or the hurt and confusion that I feel over my loss of  Skylar….but it gives me hope for a better tomorrow and for a perfect eternity.

But you, oh Lord, are a shield about me; my glory, and the lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3

9 thoughts on “Trust

    1. Last evening, I fell asleep watching the ID Discovery channel, in New York City, where I live and work, and came across a story of a young girl named Ashley Kooken who took part in a horrible crime that essentially ended her life at such a young age, as she was sentenced to life in prison. I walked into my office this morning and felt compelled to do a Google search on this young lady, as I just felt the need to learn more about this story for reasons unknown, it just stuck with me. That was around 9:15 am. As I googled what appeared to be Pure Evil, I stumbled across the tragic story of what is without a doubt a Pure Angel that beared the same last name. Since coming across this story, I have stayed in my office paralyzed for about 3 hours now, looking at the pictures, reading the blog, googling the back story about this horrific accident.

      During this time, Ive ignored calls and emails, and during this typing, just cancelled lunch with 2 co-workers. So for 3+ hours, Skylar has changed the life of some random guy halfway across the country, no surprise that this was a girl that had a million times that affect on those who knew and loved her.

      Im not sure what pulled me in. Maybe it was a car accident that I was involved in, in 2003, that forever changed the lives of someone very close to me, maybe it was the absolute pain and suffering I could feel through my computer screen, or maybe it was just that a picture does speak a thousand words, and those pictures tell me that this world is a far worse place for years to come, without those 3 young girls in it.

      I hope its ok that I just felt compelled to write. My mom once said to me through a painful time she had been going through that “The times you most want to be angry with God, happen to also be those times when you feel you need him most”…..So So true……

      I will share the story of Skylar with friends and family here in New York, I will tell them to visit the site, I will think of you and your beautiful family, and have random thoughts of hoping you are all doing well. I will continue to follow the blog, so continue to share please. I will hope to see, over time, you slowly fill that enormous space left by Skylar, by the joys of raising your other awesome children and by the awesome memories of Skylar.

      Yup, this ^^^^^ is what your Angel did today.

      God Bless, Now and Always!

      1. Wow, Chris. It is amazing to me that you took the time to write that to a complete stranger. Very touching. Almost takes your breath away.

      2. I am in tears! It’s AMAZING to me that Skylar is carrying on her good works, even from heaven above. Thank you Chris. YAY! TEAM SKYLAR!!!

    2. Kelli, (My Sweet Pea)
      What wonderful words written by Chris in New York. I was walking down the hall here at work and a co-worker asked if I was on your blog last night and I said no. She preceded to tell me about the posting from a guy in NY. Of course I went straight to it. What an impact you have had on others life’s thru the website. Out beautiful granddaughter Sky will continue to touch others from now and until we meet her again in heaven. Thank you Chris for responding and letting us know the impact this had on you. My daughter is a kind, wonderful woman and loved by all especially her family

    3. Chris,
      I can’t tell you what it means to me to read your comment today about my beautiful Skybird. Of all days I needed this comment today. God bless you for having the courage to post this. Please continue to follow my journey. I pray my baby is never forgotten or anyone takes a single day for granted.

  1. Kelly- Every time I hear this song I can’t help but think of you and the others girls moms. Your blog inspires me and I pray for you often. Bless you.

    If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses
    Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song
    Lord make me a rainbow,
    I’ll shine down on my mother
    She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors
    Oh, and life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no Ain’t even gray, but she buries her baby
    The sharp knife of a short life Well, I’ve had just enough time

    If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song
    The sharp knife of a short life Well, I’ve had just enough time
    And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
    I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
    I’ve never known the loving of a man But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
    There’s a boy here in town, says he’ll love me forever
    Who would have thought forever could be severed by The sharp knife of a short life
    Well, I’ve had just enough time
    So put on your best, boys, and I’ll wear my pearls What I never did is done

    A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I’ll sell ’em for a dollar
    They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
    And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singing
    Funny, when you’re dead how people start listening
    If I die young, bury me in satin
    Lay me down on a bed of roses
    Sink me in the river at dawn
    Send me away with the words of a love song
    The ballad of a dove
    Go with peace and love Gather up your tears, keep ’em in your pocket
    Save them for a time when you’re really gonna need them, oh
    The sharp knife of a short life Well, I’ve had just enough time So put on your best, boys And I’ll wear my pearls

  2. Your blog today and the scriptures you mentioned are helping me today through a tough time to remember that God is in control…. thank you.. just wanted you to know.

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