I have no big revelation this week or even any great words of wisdom …. but I do feel like sharing my feelings with you all today.
Last Saturday was graduation for the class of 2013….what a day that was! After coming off the depressing low of Wednesday (scholarship awards day) and attempting to keep my sanity for graduation….pure exhaustion took over. It’s hard to even explain the emotions that I went through on Saturday sitting in that auditorium and seeing Sophie’s empty chair. It was so WRONG that words don’t even do it justice. Many spoke about the girls and talked of how a community came together amidst this tragedy, even a moment of silence was given for the girls. However, watching Jan and her family walk up and accept Sophie’s diploma on her behalf rocked me to the core. A day that should be complete joy and celebration for these students and their families was overcast with sadness, loneliness, brokeness….the list goes on. Sophie’s absence was felt by all, but so was her presence. Someone had asked me if I would be at graduation and I said “well for many reasons I will be there but for the most obvious, because I KNOW that’s where the girls will be Saturday morning!” And they were! A song was sang at graduation and I don’t even know the name but the chorus was ” I love you more”….. chills ran through my body when I heard that. Immediately I was getting text messages from Sky’s friends saying “oh my gosh this song!!” It was Sky for sure letting us all know that they were there watching and cheering along for their friends.
I find my mind drifting way too often to the night of the accident and to the days following and leading up to the funeral. You live in such a state of shock for so many days and weeks that it’s hard to really absorb what is going on. I took NOTHING during those times… many offered me sleeping pills, relaxers etc and for some this works but I needed to be able to have clarity so that when I looked back I could remember as much as possible. Not because the memories are pleasant by any means but sorting through all of those emotions are somewhat healing for me.
I think I wrote on this before but for some reason I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. That first visit with Sky after the accident and at the funeral home. Looking back I don’t know how I survived those days except with God and prayer. I didn’t think I could go in and see Sky and Sophie laying next to each other in a cold sterile room and walk out of their still breathing, but I did. An odd peace washed over me when I entered that room…. it hurt like hell, don’t get me wrong, but God held my hand and my heart and reminded me that they were no longer there, He had them and they were safe and happy and free. I write this because THAT is the ONLY reminder that gets me through each and every day and trust me I have to remind myself of it MULTIPLE times a day. My thought is this… I can see Sky looking at me saying, “mom I love you so much and I can’t wait to be with you again, but please don’t make me leave this awesome place! I’ll just wait for you here, I promise time will fly by….”
As a mother that breaks my heart and warms it at the same time. I’m human, I only know earthly love and time…so I want her NOW!! But my faith tells me to be patient and I will have her forever and in the meantime she is better than any of us will ever be on this earth.
I laid in bed this morning thinking about this constant pain that is inside of me and I thought, you know it doesn’t EVER go away but it is constantly changing shape. That is God.
* As an addition I welcome anyone to email me personally at firstname.lastname@example.org with any unique and successful ideas for ongoing fundraising for Skylar’s Scholarship Fund. I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that I am hellbent on NEVER letting her name fade for as long as I walk this earth.
“Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking, but I stay strong and I hold on cause I know I’ll see you again, oh this is not where it ends. I will carry you with me….”
Carrie Underwood “See You Again”