Death is a strange thing. I thought I always understood it. I mean I’ve lost loved ones before and I’ve grieved for friends and family and even complete strangers who have lost someone close to them, especially unexpectedly, but until I walked along this sad and lonely and confusing path myself, I just truly never knew.
I have moments, pockets of time really, where it feels almost like none of this is real and that Sky is going to come bounding through the door. I have moments where I look at her photos, watch her videos, stalk her Facebook and again it just isn’t possible that this is even my reality. She was full of life and laughter, she had plans, she had a boyfriend, she had dreams, she was on the schedule at work, she had a dentist appointment she had to go to, she had spring break to plan for and prom, she needed to clean her room and wash her car and the list goes on….there is just no possible way that it was her time to go. Or so that’s how my mind works anyway.
I told my girlfriend this morning that God sure has some explaining to do with me when I see him.
I read something the other day written by a man who is a clairvoyant, and while I don’t feel it’s right for me to visit with one I certainly believe there are many people who have the ability to see beyond what most of our naked eyes can see. His article hit home for me and it’s exactly how I hope and pray it will all be someday. He talked about when bereaved parents pass on and then come back to him and they let him know that it was all worth it. He said they have told him that you pick up just where you left off with your child and you do indeed get to see and witness milestones that you felt were lost in eternity to the death.
I do have faith that when I see Sky again it will all make sense and I’m certain it WILL all be worth it …… but as I’ve said a million times over, that does little to hold me over on this earth where I am left broken, confused and sad. Sky and the girls infiltrate my thoughts and mind nearly 100% of the day. It does become overwhelming and exhausting but on the other hand it keeps them close to me.
I had my very first dream of Skylar this week. I’ve dreamt of her a few times since she passed but they have been sad dreams where I am at the funeral and she is gone and lifeless…this one was different. It was so short and sweet but it is forever etched in my mind. I knew she was gone and I saw her from a distance and I ran to her and I hugged her so hard and so tightly that we fell to the ground and she was laughing hysterically at me. She never said a word but she just laughed and laughed and I saw her smile. I remember thinking in the dream “is she invisible or can others see her, I wonder if it looks like I’m hugging the air right now?” Then I thought who cares!!! I woke up and the tears hit me and I literally could not move…I just kept thanking God and Skylar and relishing in the feeling of having her in my arms if only in a dream and only for a few moments.
As most of you are aware Tuesday June 4th marked 7 months without these beautiful girls. The days don’t get any easier, if anything they are harder because it’s just that much longer since I have held her and heard her and seen her smile. But I will admit and I’ve probably said this before, it has definitely gotten easier to pretend. I’ve become an award winning actress at pretending I am “okay”….. and that might not be all bad. I still have no idea how I will survive the rest of this lifetime on earth without her. I can’t even imagine having another family photo taken without her being a part of it let alone plan for my future.
I do gain peace and perspective when you reach out to me and tell me how all of this has affected you and changed you for the better. Each and every story warms my heart and fills me with just enough peace to see a glimpse of the “why” in all of this. I do know that God doesn’t make mistakes.
The photo above is from June 4th at the High School where we held a small ceremony dedicating 3 benches for the girls. Benches in the court yard commons area that can be enjoyed for years to come. I know for sure Sky, Soph, and Jules were there and smiling down on all of us and once again so proud of us for carrying on their names.
I thought this morning and even tweeted that “Sky is now a statistic of the worst kind” and after I sent that I thought about it again. Perhaps on the surface and at initial thought she is (they are) statistics that NO mother ever wants to be associated with but I am also seeing first hand how they are also statistics of girls who have forever changed the lives of others for the good, and that is immeasurable.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.