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I thought I had some clear thoughts to write out today and then I turned on Sky’s iPhone and sifted through her “Notes” section, which I had never done before. There were sweet messages from Sophie telling Sky that she loved her and other friends messages as well. Sky had so many book titles in her notes…another reminder of the things left unfinished. I even found a sweet letter to her boyfriend. But I think the most beautiful message that I read was almost like a note from Skylar to myself…. she had made a note for herself (Aug 14, 2012…almost 1 year to the day!) that read: ” Settle down and it’ll all be clear”……. chilling to say the least. My angel once again coming to my rescue and telling me that one day it will all be ok.

One of my best friends dropped off some pages that she tore out of a book that she was reading….she said when she read this chapter she just knew that I had to read it as well.  I believe the book is called “Tiny Beautiful Things” by Cheryl Strayed. I don’t know if it is fiction or non-fiction, as all I have are the pages she so lovingly left for me in my mailbox.

The chapter was titled “How You Get Unstuck” …. I was intrigued by the title alone. The basic concept was a mother grieving  over her miscarriage ….(much different than my tragedy but nonetheless a tragedy all its own), and after a year she is still “stuck” in her deep grief.  There was certain part of this reading where she is asking a therapist for advice that spoke to me the most:

” You will never stop loving your daughter. You will never forget her. You will always know her name, but she will always be dead. Nobody can intervene and make that right and nobody will. Nobody can take it back with their silence or push it away with their words. Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams and across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. Therapists and friends and other people who live on “Planet My Child Died” can help you along the way, but the healing, the actual real down-on-your-knees-in-the-mud change – is entirely and absolutely up to you. ”

I read that and of course I have no way of knowing what this authors beliefs are and I of course will always without a doubt rely on my faith to pull me through the depths of this tragedy and grief…but having said that, I also realize the choice and most of the work is all my own…on my shoulders. It’s an exhausting realization to be honest but I’m praying God will continue to empower me to find the strength …even if just a little each day.

I’m still…over 9 mos later…dealing with my anger over all of this. Before I left for work this morning I stared at Sky’s photo and screamed at God and asked him WHY!!!!!??  Today is one of Sky and Sophie’s best friends birthday and even she can’t celebrate her special day without an enormous load of sadness on her young shoulders….. I ache for everyone that is struggling without these girls presence…… what an unfair world we live in.

I do believe that the company we keep and the people we choose to let into our precious circle and those that we learn to trust will without a doubt either hinder or help us all in our healing process, so choose wisely.

As a mother I will never fully heal but I pray that I can find my way to that bridge of healing….and as Sky told me today… settle down and it’ll all be clear…..

I love you more my sweet angel.

P.S.  Your senior year starts in 8 days and you have the best seat in the house for it! xoxoxoxo

7 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. Awe my sweet Kelli! You have such a way of writing and letting us see inside your heart . Skylar will forever be on our hearts and in our minds! To this day I’m still amazed how many lives she has touched and still does . And one day it will be all clear! Love you ❤️

  2. It is amazing how God uses music to speak to his children, just as your Sky used it to speak to you.
    Not only was that song given to you at the perfect time, it had a ripple effect. I know you’ve seen a lot of that since Sky’s transition. See, that song has always been special to me. The night you posted the entry was one in which I needed to be reminded of those lyrics.
    Your faith is inspiring. If you can hold onto your faith after going through the worst pain possible, then I should be able to. Thank you for showing me that. I’m grateful that you continue to share.
    “If you get lost, you can always be found. Just know you’re not alone…”

  3. Settle down, it’ll all be clear / Don’t pay no mind to the demons / They fill you with fear / The trouble it might drag you down / If you get lost, you can always be found Just know you’re not alone / Cause I’m going to make this place your home. — song by Phillip Phillips, “Home”

    1. thank you Shannon…..Sky loved music and most of the notes in her phone were music lyrics or book titles that she wanted to read…how fitting this song is and how fitting the lyric that was left for me to find. God’s timing is amazing and perfect.

  4. This is so true and well-written. Settling down and the art of waiting I have not mastered yet (@the age of 52). Your Skylar was wise beyond her years. But, of course, you know this already.
    This will be added to the sayings (or mantras, if you will) that I repeat to myself when things are are going a bit haywire.
    Another is “Everything is just how it was intended to be – all a part of the journey.”
    God bless you and your family. Nola

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