It’s amazing the roller coaster of emotions I have been on for the past 11 plus months and the past 5 days have been no exception. Just when I think I have dealt with enough cruel and insensitive people, more seem to surface.
I’m not really sure what part of ” I lost my daughter tragically and suddenly” doesn’t get any of us maybe just an ounce of grace and softness from others…..I said it early on, we all deserve to treated with love and respect, but those of us in deep suffering and grief should really be handled with care…..ha! jokes on us …. constant reminder that we live in a cruel and selfish world ….very, very selfish. Thank GOD we don’t have to spend eternity here!
I struggled for the last few days with writing something or not……as many of you know we not only buried our beautiful girls that were full of life, but we have had to do so publically and in the constant spotlight of the media. Can I remind you all one more time that the media is not fact…often times they get it wrong, include opinion and assumption, inflate the facts or simply just make things up…….just because you read it or hear it, truth it does NOT make…..might be a good lesson to put in your pocket.
I have always, unfortunately, been someone who cares what others think of them. I’ve gotten much better over the years, but I’m a sensitive and loving person and I allow others words and actions to hurt me, more than I should. I simply hate when others “get it wrong” — I know who I am and what I stand for but others often times draw conclusions or assumptions because I am not very private (hence the blog) ….. but I am very honest and what you see is what you get. I of course have also always cared what others thought of my amazing kids. Now so with this media circus surrounding us I feel I am constantly having to explain over and over the events of November 4, 2012…. because our girls can’t defend themselves. But let me tell you I’m exhausted. At the end of the day most everyone’s speculations are wrong and often times very cruel. Just remember these were 3 girls loved very, very much by their family and friends. They could be any one of your daughters. If you think otherwise you are a fool.
I’m trying very hard to do what I promised myself early on that I would do, and that is focus on Skylar’s life and not her death. She’s gone, that’s a fact that can NEVER be changed, NO MATTER WHAT…… it’s why I have chosen to forgive and attempt at salvaging what is left of my mangled heart and focus on my 3 beautiful children that are living. I should never be ridiculed or attacked or judged for my forgiving heart …. I am surviving THE ONLY WAY I know how.
I was driving to work this morning and an over bearing sense of weight seemed to land on my shoulders. I started to think about the night of the accident and all of the horrific details that followed and I instantly felt a panic attack coming on and images raced through my mind and I felt my face getting flushed and my heart racing…..I prayed hard and said out loud NO NO NO!!!!! Yes, the reality is that my baby died tragically and I am FOREVER changed not for just the loss of her but the actual events, images and facts…..I’ve aged a hundred years in 11 mos….but I also know that I have 16 1/2 years of memories of Sky that are amazing!!! We had an incredible relationship and we shared a million laughs…..I made myself focus on that. And I suddenly sensed her presence, could feel her touch and could hear her laugh.
I’ll remind you all until I have no breath left in me…this journey is long, lonely, painful, sad, debilitating, exhausting, life changing and so many other adjectives that also don’t define it adequately enough. It’s real, it’s raw and frankly IT SUCKS!!!!
I pray my words reach others and perhaps you can be a little more kind to others, a little less judgmental, a little more understanding and a lot more loving. We could all use it and benefit from it. This cruel world is hard enough.
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
Love one another. As I have loved you.
I miss and love all 3 of you so much…..stay close to us girls…we need you now more than ever. Love you more ~
Below is a link to donate to Sky’s Scholarship Fund.