Navigation Menu+

I Will Remember ……..

Posted on November 1, 2013

253903_4851743167893_1771576329_n

 

It seemed fitting to post my text with Skylar from one year ago today….this pretty much sums us up, anything goes. (and yes, I called her out and let her go home….of course, she held my heart in her hands, always).

___________________________________________________________________

I was hoping that my anger had subsided, I was wrong. I looked through my phone and saw this text exchange and rage seemed to form inside of me. Why? Why? Why?  One year ago at this exact moment my world was complete….Sky was home “pooping in private” (and no doubt laying on the couch, renting a movie and eating mac n’ cheese). I hadn’t yet had to answer that fateful 4;30 am call and knock at the door ….I had yet to be haunted by images, by reality and by death.  I was warned that these days leading up to the anniversary would be difficult but I didn’t quite believe it. I mean in reality how could anything get any harder regarding all of this?

There has been a lot of reflecting these last several days and I’m in shock that a year has already nearly passed without the 3 of them here with all of us. My home went from a revolving door of friends and family to a very quiet home….Sky’s room sits empty too many days and it breaks my heart to walk by and see no activity, no disturbance of her things.  I find myself getting angry….angry that others get to move forward. I get angry when I hear so many people complaining about insignificant things in life…….I could only pray and beg that we had little things to sweat. I’d give anything, anything at all to have something else to complain about.

The tragic and sudden death of a child will put everything quickly into perspective. And I mean everything.

I wish I could write an inspiring and uplifting blog today….but the truth is I’m feeling so down, so angry, so lost, so sad, so broken, so damaged, and so overwhelmed with grief without Skylar….. I wanted to write something today so that she is on everyone’s mind….that’s the greatest comfort I can find these days.

These next several days are going to be hell for all of us…as if we weren’t already living out our hell on earth. I know for me I will be sitting with my baby at 12:40am Monday morning knowing that one year ago at that moment she left us for her forever home. I know that at 4:30am on Monday I will be reliving that tragic morning, I know at 8am I will relive when it hit the media and the calls started rushing in. I know that the days following I will remember the numbness of meeting with our amazing funeral director…..and the moment that I had to pick out Skylar’s very last outfit…..I will be remembering the last moment I shared with her alone in the basement of the funeral home; smelling my angels hair and tracing the bruises on her beautiful face. I’ll be remembering the moment I walked into the church for her and Sophie’s dual viewing and seeing the 2 of them up on the stage like the angels that they are…..hundreds of flowers surrounding them both. I will remember the 8 hours I stood on that stage next to her — not one time ever leaving her side in all of those hours. I will remember all of the tears shed and the hundreds and hundreds of people who wept at her side. I will remember all of the items placed in her casket with her from so many that loved her.  I will remember leaving the church that evening and knowing that I would only get to see her one more time before her earthy body is taken from me forever…..   I will remember the beautiful service the next day and spending my last few moments alone with her before they closed her casket for good….having to be pulled away…not wanting anyone else to share in that moment with me… I wanted to touch her hair forever and not let go of her hand. I will remember watching my brothers and Sky’s uncles carry her body out of that church and load her into the back of the limousine. I will remember that drive to the cemetery and seeing her and Sophie side by side and Jules just a few feet away.

I will remember when my world went silent……………

But I assure you I will also remember every moment that I shared with Sky. I will let my mind, body and soul relive this last year as part of my healing and then I will pray to my God to comfort me, wrap me in peace and help me focus on all that I shared with her; and I pray that for all who loved Sky, Soph and Jules.  I pray that we focus on all of our memories and live the rest of our days in honor of them.

Thank you for your continued prayers and kind words, they never go unnoticed.

Monday November 4, 2013 at 5:15-ish pm we will gather at Bellbrook Cemetery in honor of our girls. Any and all are invited. 

I love you more Skylar, Sophie & Julianna…………

25 Comments

  1. THANK YOU every one of you for your comments –I read them all! God Bless

  2. I know I have said it before but your words and your beautiful Sky are such an inspiration to me. Even though we have never met, I think about you everyday. I find myself seeing things thru a different light! Ignore ignorance!!! Keep touching lives with your story! You’re precious Sky lives on through you and your words!! #touchedbyanangelinevermet

  3. You don’t know me but we are now connected forever. We, are fellow travelers. My journey began on Nov 24, 2001 when my 22 year old son died suddenly in an accident just like your daughter. Several hours later the love of his life followed him to heaven. In our first year, we were just in shock going through the motions. The second I am sorry to say for us was worse than the first. That was when it began to feel real. I do want to give you hope. You will always have bad days but those days will become farther apart. You will laugh again. Life will have meaning and you will find joy again. Bellbrook is a fantastic community. We lived there for 13 years, leaving when our son was 14. He would have been in the class of 1998. My prayers are with you and the other parents at this most difficult time.

  4. I wept as I read this not sure how you speak with such grace but it’s such a beautiful way to honor your daughter and her friends. Not only are you & your entire family in my thoughts and prayers all the time, Ever since your daughters accident It has given me a way to speak to all of the teenagers that pass threw my house ,I have spoke numerous times with both my teenage daughters and all of their friends about that dreadful night ,hoping when they journey out that they will also keep your three angels in their minds and hearts as well.

  5. Heavenly Abba Father, may the peace that only you can give cloak all who have been touched by this tragedy. May your love flood the holes in their hearts and fill them, overflow them with your presents. God we know you are not ever surprised or caught off guard, but we also know your Son weeps along side us. Lord fill them with your peace and love. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen

  6. Your honesty overwhelms me. My heart is so heavy when I read your blogs. I can’t fathom how your heart feels when writing them. Screw the people that want to judge and ridicule. You are living this nightmare, not them. Find strength in God and knowing that your beautiful daughter is flying high in the sky.

  7. Kelli, I know we have lost contact over the years, but you have been in my thoughts and prayers so much over the past year, and especially today. I still remember the sweet little girl in the back of my van on the way to dance class. My heart aches for your incredible loss, but I marvel at your faith and courage in the midst of such tragedy. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers.

  8. I know we barely know one another, but you came to mind immediately when I woke up this morning. I talked w/ my 16 yr old about the accident on his way to school. We talked about his brother’s car accident and how he called and said he was okay, but when I got there and saw the emergency vehicles everywhere, flashing lights, and three cars mangled, I got out and ran to him as fast as I could. It was involuntary.
    I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. It is with a heavy heart, as a mother of teenagers, that I pray for you and with you. God be with you and know you are bathed in the love that shines on you from Heaven.

  9. Thoughts and prayers for you tonight and always.

  10. Prayers

  11. Kelli, this post hit me more than others…so honest and raw. Just the fact that you have survived almost a year and are still going is inspiration. Continued prayers and love…

  12. Life and death are wickedly formidable – too often without reason – my heart goes out to you and your family. I cannot imagine how difficult this has been- hugs to you.

  13. Kelli , please know I am thinking if you during this difficult time. Your blog is inspiring and gives others the ability to remember what is important in life. I am praying that you will find peace and some comfort during these next few very difficult days. Hugs to you. Please stay strong.

  14. Your words are priceless, I wish you a day of peace and comfort. Your angel will always watch over you.

  15. Hold onto those beautiful memories as they will bring peace, laugh & love…
    God is carrying you during this agony and inmense pain.. Believe…There is not other explanation for being alive after you heart has been broken into pieces…..

  16. I do not know you but i am only a fellow mother and could never imagine the pain you are feeling I cried for you that day and sometime after when hearing of this tragedy. Beautiful blog. I also have that relationship with my daughters of the crazy stuff we could say to one another.. I can relate to the poop conversation Hold on to your memories and I will lift you and your families in prayer..

  17. “When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of
    what I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who
    you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind, even
    though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means
    that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice speak in
    your heart.”

    Quote from Fredrick Buechner from WHISTLING IN THE DARK

    Wanted to share this with you Kelly with love & prayers
    Connie Kempton, Erin & Brian Stewart’s mom

  18. I shed tears for you and the 3 angels as I read this. Prayers to you in the coming days.

  19. No real words could describe the thoughts and feelings you must have, but yet you said it amazingly. Prayers going out to you and your family!

  20. Praying for you….I am thinking of you always. Your words while so sad are absolutely beautiful…what a tribute to Sky and all three beautiful girls. I remembering lighting all the luminaries in our neighborhood for them and the kids decorating Juliana’s driveway with messages of love and prayers like it was last night instead one long hard year ago. You are an inspiration to so many.

  21. Wept as I read this and my heart is so filled with sadness and grief for the loss of these girls and your sweet angel. I try to imagine how I would be handling it all if I were in your shoes and I fail miserably every time. The grief at even the idea simply overwhelms me to tears. No mother should ever have to go through this. I am praying for peace, comfort and the beauty of Skylar’s spirit to overwhelm you this weekend and throughout the day on Monday. With the greatest respect and admiration…..

  22. Praying for God to hold you close through the painful days ahead of you.

  23. Sometimes I read your posts and it puts perspective back into my life. Praying for you.

  24. You’re always in my prayers, but I’ll be praying extra for you and your family during this coming difficult week. Kelli, your blogs and posts help me every day to put my trivial problems into perspective. Know that you’ll be reunited with her in eternity, and until then, treasure the memories of the short time you shared. Hoping the Holy Spirit is able to grant you some bit of reprieve from your torment.

  25. Praying for you always

Leave a Reply