372 Days Without You
By the grace of God I have survived the first year without my oldest baby. A year filled with valleys like I have never known, a year filled with enough tears to fill an ocean, a year filled with enough questions and anger to last a lifetime, a year filled with loneliness and sadness and heart-break but also a year filled with faith, hope, love, and forgiveness.
I have spent the last several days thinking about not only the day of the accident but all those exhausting days following. The non stop planning and organizing of a viewing and funeral. Sifting through 16 plus years of photos, choosing her casket and vault and making the decision on her final resting place. You find yourself in such a whirlwind that you can hardly stop to grieve, or at least grieve fully and properly.
Eventually the silence comes and that is when the pain and reality crushes you like a ton of bricks. It’s almost like the last year was all about the anticipation leading up to this one date….the 1 year anniversary. And now here we are 1 year plus 7 days…..all of us still trying to survive this cruel world without them. All the while their voices and touch and physical presence slips further from our grasp.
I read a lot of other grieving mother’s blogs and the sad reality is that we are all living out the same hellish reality. A reality with no real comfort or peace. A reality of trying to live with half a heart and what is left of it is damaged and broken.
Then God sends a reminder. As He often does, when I least expect it, but when I need it most. While driving to work today Carrie Underwood’s song came on the radio… ” I Will See You Again” and of course the tears started and wouldn’t stop. I was once again reminded that although I am not okay, Skylar is. And as a mother that is all that matters to me. It’s one of those things that as a believer it sometimes gets pushed to the back of my mind and I get wrapped up in my own pain and sadness and that of her family and friends. But then, God gently reminds me that although our pain is enormous and more often than not, debilitating……Sky’s pain is non-existent. Sky knows a happiness and peacefulness that we can only remotely fathom.
And with these beliefs and my faith I am able to survive another day without her. It doesn’t make it painless or even okay but it makes surviving this hell of a reality possible.
Thank you God for your promises to us and for giving your believers eternal life and the promise of seeing my baby again.
John 11:25 “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die”
2 Corinthians 5:8 Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.
Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
THANK YOU to everyone for the continued prayers and words of encouragement, nothing goes unnoticed.
There are a few funny videos of Skylar on my YouTube channel; I invite you to watch them.