Anyone who knows me, knows how much I miss her beautiful eyes…..just one reason I love this picture of her so much.
I’ve prayed hard the last several days that God would give me words for my blog this week. I can certainly sit here for hours and just talk about Skylar, but I always hope that I leave people with some sort of blessing with my posts, no matter how small.
I have a ritual that I follow most mornings and it includes praying specifically for grieving mothers; especially the ones that I know personally. I find that my life has become a “groundhog day” type of scenario. Wake up, pray for peace and comfort for all who are grieving, pray for myself to get through another day, pray for my children….fight back tears, fight through the pain, fight the anger, fight the questions and then start all over the next day. It’s my reality…..and reality for too many of us . I think I’ve read every book I can on grief and loosing a child and although helpful in some aspects, in others they’re empty words. Like many other things, written with good intentions and many from experience but just out of reach of any real comfort.
I read a quote the other day that I could identify with greatly:
On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.
I realize that God will bring comfort and God will bring peace and God will pick me up when I fall, but God will not take away the pain of missing my baby. That’s the reality that is hard to swallow. And then I remember that this world is not suppose to be wonderful. This world is not for us. This world is for Him. God created us for HIS purpose, for HIS eternal plan. Satan has a wonderful way of distracting us from what the truth really is. As many like to say, for believers, this is our dress rehearsal …the final act is our goal.
Does this eliminate my pain of losing Skylar? Does this soften the blow or cease my longing for her? No way!! But what it does is put into perspective my agony and pain. It reminds me to take the focus off of myself and to focus on God’s will and to be a blessing to others. It reminds me that “life isn’t fair” because it is NOT suppose to be! I can whine and cry all that I want and it’s not going to change the facts….she is gone. Not forever, but yes from this cruel world. I also prepare and remind myself that this probably isn’t my last tragedy in life either…..unfortunately, we aren’t meant to get too comfortable in this life. God has a bigger and better plan. We are SUPPOSE to look forward to the other side. I realize that now.
I’ve always believed in Heaven, God, Jesus etc. But I’ve also always been terrified of death. That has changed for me. It makes me sad to think about it, knowing that others will be sad when I’m gone (that’s the hardest part to grasp) but I also realize that there is something so much better waiting for us all.
Does this mean I won’t have bad days? No. Does this mean I won’t stumble and fall? No. Does this mean I won’t scream for Skylar when home alone and feel as if the pain will suffocate me? No. But what it does is give me hope on days when I don’t feel like getting out of bed. It’s a reminder that all is well with the universe because I am not in control, God is.
God is telling me to keep doing what I am doing. Focus on keeping Skylar’s name alive, focus on her foundation, focus on healing the best that I can, focus on my children, focus on my relationships, be a blessing to others……and do all of this in His name and with love.
I will stumble. I will fall. I will fail. But I will get back up and I will carry on.
Just a few verses that touched me today:
- “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Deuteronomy 6:5).
- “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39).
- “We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10).
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
- Mark 5:35-36 While he was still speaking, there came from the ruler’s house some who said, “Your daughter is dead. Why trouble the Teacher any further?” But overhearing what they said, Jesus said to the ruler of the synagogue, “Do not fear, only believe.”