I can’t tell you how many times I have referred to this verse when my grief has paralyzed my body. I cling to His promise and pray for divine understanding. I’ve taken a few weeks off from writing, because in all honestly I had nothing positive to write. That doesn’t mean that I have lost my faith or hope, but there are days, many of them, where the devil gets the better of my emotions and clouds what I know to be true…that God DOES know what He is doing and He has a greater plan.
Since the investigation and trial has finally come to an end I was able to receive a copy of the police report and read it in its entirety, boy was that heavy. Many of you may not understand the need for me to do so and that is okay, it is my journey and not yours. Much the same way you would research a fatal disease that your child was diagnosed with or the way you would grill the doctors over treatment and a cure, I needed to know every last detail that I could get my hands on about my daughter’s death. As I have said many times over, I was there when she was created and I was there when she breathed her first breath…not being there for her last breath will forever weigh on my soul. Although reading those very chilling details was difficult to say the least, it also brought me some form of closure for that part of the tragedy. I was able to read statements from the very first people on the scene (teens that called 911) to the very first medical responders and most importantly I was able to reach out to them and thank them. I thanked them for being there and for trying to save those angels and they gave me peace in knowing that they did not suffer.
I have a lot of guilt lately over my own grief journey. I have some amazing friends that have stood by my side when others have drifted away. I know it is not easy to be ones friend when grief and sadness is always looming over head. I will always remind those who knew me before Sky’s death, that I am no longer that person. It’s sad and it’s almost like a death in itself, but that Kelli is gone. That doesn’t have to be a negative thing and I’m fighting really hard to find my new path and make it the best that it can possibly be with what hand I have been given. I know friends spend a lot of time with me listening to my pain and agony and fears and I’m sorry that lately I don’t always reciprocate. It is not because I don’t care or I don’t love them or that I do not worry about them. I am so consumed with the fear that Skylar will be forgotten that I don’t know which way to turn some days. If you are a friend of a grieving mother and you read my blog, just remember that. We aren’t selfish, but there is just not a word large enough to explain how consumed we can become with our child’s death and not wanting them to be forgotten. And when I say forgotten it doesn’t mean in the literal sense… OF COURSE everyone who knew Skylar will always remember her…”forgotten” to a grieving mother means so much more. So to my friends who have stood by my side, I love you and I am always here for you no matter how large you know my pain to be. I know part of God’s plan for me is to be a good listener and to help those that I love.
For my fellow grieving mothers, and there are just way too many of us, I pray that when the days seem dark and the future looks too painful to go on, you will hold on to the verse above, because it is a promise. I AM rooted in faith and anchored in hope, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Please visit the link below if you are interested in signing up for Skylar’s Memorial Run or if you would like to donate or sponsor. God Bless.