Writer’s block…..I feel like I’ve had it for several weeks now. I have so much in my head and so many feelings to share but the words fail me. I’ve prayed to God since this nightmare began, to use me, to use Sky’s tragic death and her beautiful life, use my grief and my daily struggle…..simply use me. I’m praying as I type that God works through me for the good of others; for other grieving moms, for grieving friends, sisters, brothers and dads…..or even just a lost soul trying to find answers and hope in this complicated and unforgiving world. I certainly am a work in progress and I will be until the day I am called home, but I try, and my heart is open. I have no choice but to be used at this point…it is my means of survival ……my new purpose and journey. Dear God, help me to find the twinge of good amidst this hell on earth.
As I pulled into the cemetery the other day to visit with my 3 angels an overwhelming sadness enveloped me. I’ve driven this same route and made this same visit countless times before but on this day my heart was too heavy for my chest. I recognized what the feeling was….reality. Reality that this is where my sweet baby’s body lies and that of her beautiful friends. The reality that on her birthday and holidays and the anniversary….that this is where people gather. It’s no longer a group of teenagers piled into her bedroom while I keep peaking my head in and telling her to turn down the music. They gather here……in a cemetery and sit in the grass and laugh and cry and tell stories. As for me…..it’s where I sit and cry and sometimes I laugh at silly things that come to mind….and I pray. I pray for God to give me purpose in this agony. I have 3 other babies that need me and I know I can’t fall apart every day. I have to find a way to keep my head held high and to be the best that I can be for them and for Sky’s memory.
It’s hard to live a life where you see pity in the eyes of those staring back at you. I see it nearly daily….I see it when I look into a mirror. It’s in these moments that I feel her, I sense her, and I hear her. I can feel the warmth of her hand on mine and her sweet voice saying “mom, I’m never leaving you.”
I woke last night for no particular reason, other than thoughts of Skylar on my mind. As I laid there and tried to fight the tears and the memories that were haunting me, she came to me and told me to breathe. These visits from her will never replace what I had but they remind me to keep going, to keep breathing, to keep living. She’s watching and she’s giving me strength when I can’t find it on my own.
“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” says the Lord. Isaiah 66:13
** Thank you to all my readers and followers. There is no greater gift that you can to give me than to think about Skylar, follow my journey, and pray for all of us.
I hope many of you can join us for our 1st annual Sky’s The Limit 5K Run/Walk for Skylar. (Sunday August 24th 2014)
http://www.active.com/bellbrook-oh/running/races/sky-s-the-limit-memorial-5k-run-walk-2014 <<< register online