What a hell of a ride it has been. I look back over the last 22 months and I am in awe at how far I’ve come, yet how stagnant I’ve become. I feel I need to speak directly to those struggling parents out there or to those that are trying to love and be there for those struggling. It’s one hell of a torturous road.
You say you get it and you understand and you recognize, but I am here to tell you that you don’t. By no fault of your own of course…you just don’t. You can’t. Those of us in this deep grief can hardly understand it and wade through it, how could you possibly? That’s why this road of grief is so lonely and sad, because we travel so much of it alone; trapped within ourselves, fighting through the pain.
I told a friend this morning that Sky’s death has shaped me in ways that I don’t even understand and in many of those ways, I don’t like the shape I’ve taken. I’m quick to anger, afraid to trust, terrified to let go and bitter about my journey. Not always of course. God has his way of getting through to me and reminding me to keep on keepin’ on…..but it’s a tiresome road. The most tiresome journey I have ever endured. It’s a constant battle between tears, screaming, questioning and moving forward.
We have no choice but to press on because to give up, isn’t even an option.
Every day I seem to meet someone new that is traveling the same road as me…some are further down the road and some have just begun. In the end we all look like mirrors of one another. Sure, we all grieve differently and the circumstances of the death may vary and we may not all believe and have faith in God above….but we are the same in so many ways. Normally meeting others like you is comforting….not anymore. I hate meeting others like myself as it just reminds me that this world is cruel and unjust and I still have 3 babies here that must endure it.
So for you grieving moms (and dads), know that your journey is never ending and it will have many forks and twists and turns and, sometimes you will find yourself standing right back where you began; angry and disappointed at yourself for feeling so lost and confused. “Pull it together Kelli!” “Stop focusing on what is gone!” “Put a smile on your face!” “Be thankful!” “Put on your big girl pants and lead the way!” “You’re stronger than this!” <<<< Ah the things we tell ourselves all in the name of surviving the pain. Take the time to look yourself in the mirror, remind yourself that you are human and you will lose your way, you will forget what direction you should be heading in, and it is OK to threaten to give up! Remind yourself that you are enduring the single most excruciating pain known to mankind — even in the animal kingdom mothers protect their babies to the death and mourn them! Then drop to your knees and pray. Pray for strength to get through another day, pray for guidance while on your journey through hell and pray for God to surround you with loving, supporting, patient and understanding people. Lastly, pray for God to use you.
When my purpose here seems clouded, I pray for God to use me; if he’s using me, I can’t give up.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4