I wish 2 years later that I could tell the new grieving parents out there, that my pain has lessened. I wish I could tell them that my tears have stopped. I wish I could tell them that my anger has subdued. I wish I could tell them that it all makes sense. I wish I could tell them that I am okay.
I can’t say any of those things…but I can say that by the grace of God and through the love and prayers of family and friends, I’m surviving and I’m actually learning to live again. To those that don’t understand the path of a grieving parent, I’m sure often times it appears we are doing good. You see our smiling photos on social media, you hear our laughs in a crowded room, you watch us as our lives seemingly move on much like your own. But that’s the great pretender in us….we have little choice but to pretend all is okay. We know the burden we carry and we know how heavy it is for others to try and comprehend it….so we fake it. We fake it to try and make you all less uncomfortable with our pain.
Thank God for the people in my life that I don’t have to fake it with….for those that God has blessed me with that allow me to openly talk about Skylar and the raw pain and emotions that still consume me. I read something the other day by someone who had also lost a child and it referred to the black hole that will always follow us and that it is our job and goal to walk around it and not fall in. I thought about that for many days and just how true it is. It’s so very easy to look at the cards life dealt you and want to jump into that hole and let it soak you up. But as a mother to 3 others that need me, as a friend that I know people rely on, as a daughter and a sister that I know my family can’t bear to lose…..it is my job NOT to fall in, but to learn to walk around it….every single second of every single day.
A good friend sent me this poem today and I want to share it with you, maybe it will help remind you of the daily pain we struggle with.
Each day as evening starts to set
The ache builds in her chest
She knows that she must go to bed
And try to get some rest
She hugs her tear stained pillow close
When no one is around
And cries for one she loved and lost
And screams without a sound
Others see her in the day
And think she’s doing well
But every day as evening sets
She enters her own hell
Time hasn’t healed her pain at all
Or quieted her fears
So every night, alone in bed
She sheds those silent tears
No matter how many years have passed, if a friend who has lost a child crosses your mind, say a prayer for them, trust me, they need it. We walk a path that never ends, it has no remedy for the pain and no ending to the agony. It just simply is. Some days are more bearable than others and some days bring us to our knees and shake us to our core……we will most likely always be the ones that need a little extra TLC. But we will also be the first ones that you can lean on for comfort and understanding. No one understands pain like a grieving mother/father….no one.
As I always say…..hug your babies and tell those you love what they mean to you. Don’t wait, because life certainly won’t wait for you.
I love you more Skylar Lynn…in life you taught me what love was and in death you have given me strength I never knew I had.