I spent the better part of last evening packing up Skylar’s room for our move this weekend. I had numerous friends and family offer to help me with this task that I have been dreading since the day I put the house on the market. In the end, I decided to do it alone. I wanted time to reflect, to cry, to scream and to talk to her by myself. The quote I have attached here “Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you only have today” is posted on Sky’s wall. She hated it. She told me it was dumb, cliche and to take it off of her wall. I would laugh each time she asked me to remove it and say ” no, it reminds me of you.” In the end I won, it stayed on her wall. I sat down yesterday on her floor and I sobbed as I held onto her things and tried desperately to feel her arms around me. I looked up and read this quote, really read it and remembered how much Sky thought it was “stupid”, but how it described her perfectly. She lived, she really lived. I of course cried harder and even managed to laugh at her numerous pleas for me to take it down or her threats to “cover it up.” Then I thanked her, for once again teaching her mother a thing or two about life. Live as if you only have today…..A cliche we have all undoubtedly stated but do we actually practice it? I doubt it….most of us live as if we have forever to make things right…putting off today what we think we can accomplish tomorrow. I’m guilty, I am sure you are too.
I have reminders of these 3 angels all around me, not just in my memory but physical reminders of them in my home, my car, my office, even on my body. Reminders that we don’t get to choose when we go, reminders that life is short, unpredictable, unfair and sometimes downright horrifying. But these are also my reminders of a love so great and a promise so incredible that our human mind can hardly comprehend it.
Here is an example of God’s great love and my baby always watching out for her momma. I packed the very last item in Sky’s room yesterday and I stood there in a form of shock and looked around her nearly empty room. Standing there I thought about how Sky will have no “fingerprints” at our new house and my heart broke and I felt my breath catch. In that moment my back door opened and I heard a familiar voice yell “momma – hellllo!!” I walked out of Sky’s room to see Will. Not only Sky’s ex-boyfriend but certainly one of her best friends in the world. A person that loved her and understood my love for her. I hugged him and cried. I couldn’t even tell him how his impromptu drop in was heaven sent, coming at the exact moment that I needed someone to put their arms around me, someone that loved and missed her too. Soon my tears turned to laughs as we joked about Skylar and shared memories. Thank you God, thank you Skylar and thank you Will …..sometimes it’s the little things that become the big things.
To my fellow grieving and broken moms…. I am at 2 years 8 mos and the pain is not any less, the missing is not any better and the tears still fall when I least expect them. But I have learned to pay attention to signs and to feel when she is near. Every day she lets me know that she is where she is suppose to be.
As I packed a few of her items last week, I started crying as I was trying to decide what to do with some of her clothes. I audibly heard her say ” get rid of it mom, I don’t need those anymore.” Through my tears I said aloud, and quite angrily “I know you don’t!! But that doesn’t make it any easier!” She made me mad that day lol. But she was right and it gave me comfort in knowing that letting go of some of her things didn’t mean I was letting go of any part of her. She knows I hate clutter, she was giving me permission to un-clutter a few things. 😉
Watch for the signs. Be patient. Open your heart. You too will see them, feel them, hear them.
I love you more Skylar Lynn, thank you for continuing to teach your mom a thing or two.
You were one in a million.
If you would like to support Sky’s 2nd annual 5K on August 2nd – here is the link: