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The Truck

Posted on January 5, 2017

4 years 2 mos without you…….

I promised myself, and Skylar, that I would never make “this” about how she died, but rather I would focus on how she lived.  She was an amazing soul, a beautiful young woman, and someone that I was proud to call my daughter. At nearly 17 years old, I could already see the incredible woman that she was becoming. She lived like all of us should …. in the moment.

I never felt that I was ready to see “the truck” that Skylar took her last breath in, “the truck” that would become her final ride, “the truck” that ultimately took my baby from me. Something in me changed in the last few months and I knew that I needed that small piece of closure. Just a few moments with this enormous hunk of steel…..a few moments to scream and yell at a “truck” that couldn’t and didn’t keep her safe.

Several weeks ago I  reached out to the responding officer and asked if I could finally have my time with “the truck”. Regretfully, I was told that it had been destroyed. I felt a pang of sadness, for some strange reason I knew that I needed to see it, even 4 years later.  The passage of time does not resonate for a grieving mother (parent)….4 days – 4 years – 40 years;  the pain is still there, the absence still exists, and the grief is still overwhelming.

2 days ago Skylar’s boyfriend contacted me and shared that he had learned that “the truck”  had NOT been destroyed.  You can only imagine my shock when I heard this news. The irony of it all did not escape me either. After some digging and several phone calls, I located “the truck”.  It had been transferred to a holding facility, and because this was such a high profile case, the location of “the truck” had been kept relatively quiet. (I will mention, the responding officer had been given the wrong information and did not deliberately share misinformation with me.)

I knew that I needed to see “the truck” right away, and alone.  I needed this time.  When I called  I was told that I would have to make it soon, as it would be destroyed this week. The gentleman agreed to meet me yesterday afternoon. I prayed the entire drive over and asked Sky to please be with me and to reveal to me what it was that I needed so badly from this.  I also prayed for strength, the last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of these total strangers.

As I pulled into the lot I caught a glimpse of “the truck” between a crack in the boards of the wooden fence, and my heart immediately sank and my hands began to sweat. I tried to make small talk with the man, as if this were a normal occurrence.  He led me behind a large fence and said “there it is”, as if I needed any direction.

I don’t know how long I stood there before I approached “the truck” but it felt like an eternity. I slowly walked around , peered inside and shook my head as I tried to wrap my mind around what I was seeing.  I saw several pictures from the night of the accident, however, seeing it in person was powerful, impactful, horrifying, painful, and downright tragic. I stared at where Skylar last sat, where she spoke her last words, where she laughed her last laugh, where she typed her last text, where she took her last breaths, and where she undoubtedly felt her last fear.

I stood there and imagined what the 3 of them encountered, and I was angry that “the truck” could not save them. I am angry that I read stories every single day of deaths by car accident, and pissed off that nothing seems to change.  The man waited for me in the distance and I found myself walking towards him. I noticed a younger man had joined him and they were both watching me. I shared with them how 3 had lived and how 3 had died, and that Sky was wearing her seat belt….and dammit that life is not fair! I told him that I wanted to place the stupid “truck” in my front yard for EVERYONE to see — because THIS could be your reality.

He shook his head and said “sadly we donate cars/trucks much like this one to high schools and nothing much seems to change”. He also told me that he was very familiar with the accident…of course he was, who isn’t in this town?  I could tell that my sadness was making him uncomfortable and I knew that I wanted to leave and revert to the safety of my car, where I could cry in peace and scream in anger.

As I drove home, a comforting peace washed over me and I heard my baby’s voice say, “I’m good mom, I’m okay, please don’t cry. Just keep doing what you’re doing.”

I knew right then that I needed to share this experience, because there is SOMEONE out there that it will help…save….encourage….strengthen….wake up …….

I will continue to share Sky’s story and to insure that her legacy lives on through me.  I will strive to exemplify a God-fearing mother who knows that without my faith I would never survive the pain. And I promise to always pray for grieving mothers (parents) much like myself who struggle to find the will to go on.

Forever and always, I love you more Skylar.

 

14 Comments

  1. Kelli,

    Your words always move and instill faith that God works in mysterious and wonderful ways. While what you will always go through due to your loss, know that you are helping people. And Sky will always live through you. You have handled all of this with grace and love and with the mindset of helping others. Be proud as I know that the ones you love are proud of you. Continue leaning on God.

  2. I was asked recently if the loss of a child ever gets any better. I replied it never gets better but it does get easier. My heart breaks when friends of ours experience the loss of a child or grandchild. After 11 years of grieving for my son I know the terrible pain they are in for and I feel so sad for them. Thank you Kelli for your support and healing words you’ve shared and may God continue to bless you and your family. Kirks Mom

  3. Your blog always rips my heart out . And then you slowly mend it I will never have peace about Skylar’s death or stop missing her and loving her every single day . As much as I know God has the bigger picture .And some day I will understand. But you my sweet daughter has more courage and strength than anyone I know that had gone through what you have . Skylar had such a love for life and would do anything for anyone. She was an angel on earth and she got that from you ! I know she is smiling down at you and saying that’s my Mom I’m so proud ! And I want to say the same . I love you so much and I’m so proud of you ❤️Mom

  4. Kelli there are no words for the tremendous sorrow I feel every time your loss crosses my mind. There is no doubt in my mind your blog gives others strength and has saved lives… no doubt at all!

  5. As always your writing left me in tears and I admire the good you are doing to keep Sky’s memory alive. By doing so you are helping so many people that have gone through the same tragedy of losing a child. I want others to purchase and read your book and let them see how God had been by your side throughout this journey. I love ❤️ you more than words can express. Mom

  6. Kelli,
    Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you ever had to experience this pain. My daughter and I will never forget the day we heard this tragic news and as a mother to a daughter close in age to Skylar my heart broke for you over and over again. I always read your posts. I am so sorry. Praying for you and your family. We will never forget.

  7. Thank you for sharing this. You are so inspiring. You are an amazing example of a mother, finding her own new normal and showing that grief doesn’t go away. This brought me to tears. Just seeing “the truck” on the news, still hurts. You are such a strong person to face it head on. Peace and love to you and your family! XOXO

  8. Kelli,
    Praying for you in your pain.

  9. Thank you for sharing. Our beautiful daughter was taken by cancer almost 2 years ago and you described the grief perfectly. It never goes away but we become stronger to carry the weight of it. God Bless you and your family.

  10. I love you and admire everything you do / want to do, to help others. I wish there was a way I could take your pain away.

    • i love u more

  11. Kelli,

    Thank you for writing again. I read your complete blog over a year ago…multiple times. I recently lost my grandmother, who was more like my best friend, and your writing instantly came to my mind. I find comfort in your posts because you’re strength shines through and you remind us that we must not dwell on the death of loved ones, we must celebrate the life they once lived.

    • Thank you Brittany. God bless

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