I’ve been reading some on grief and trying to understand the stages that everyone speaks of. I’m learning that losing a child to something such as a car accident (unanticipated death) has affects such as PTSD; and the death notification plays into that as well. I never would have thought to link PTSD to losing a child to an unexpected accident, but having lived this horrific nightmare for the last 30 days, that makes perfect sense to me. I know that there is simply no “easy” way to tell a parent or mother that their child has been killed in an accident, but I am certainly haunted by some of the aspects of Skylar’s notification. It’s something since the moment that authorities arrived at my door in the wee hours of Sunday November 4, 2012 that has rocked me to my core. I was robbed of hours that I could have and should have spent holding my child’s warm body. The outcome remains the same I realize, but as a mother every detail in this matters.
I’m barely a month into this tragedy and I still find myself thinking that this just can’t possibly be real. I look around at all of the friends that Sky (and Soph and Juls) have left behind and my heart feels a never ending pain. Skylar and Sophie had a tight group of friends and they all loved each other…watching all of them suffer in pain with the loss of their 2 best friends leaves a hole in this mother’s heart. Meanwhile my Lexy is trying to find her way in life again,without Skylar, the big sister she loved, adored and looked up to; without Sophie her sister by choice and without Julianna, her best friend in the world and her sister of the heart. The magnitude of pain that the death of these 3 girls has left in the lives of Skylar’s family, Julianna’s family, Sophie’s family and ALL of their friends, is simply a pain WITHOUT definition. The word pain does not even describe what we are feeling, and I am certain I speak for all of us when I say that.
This is what I struggle with; the pain is unmeasurable and completely indescribable, how in God’s name will any of us heal and find our “new normal?” And I use the term “heal” very loosely here… there will NEVER be a true healing but I need a healing where I feel I can breath again.
I TRUST that God will hold all of us through our anguish, anger, questions and pain…..but to a grieving mom, the enormity of it all seems without end.
I’m writing this tonight because I want you all to know that I am not always so strong, nor are other grieving mothers (fathers, sisters, friends, family). The times that I have felt strong it is simply God carrying me through, because He surely knows I would have fallen.
I need to invent a word that describes this deep deep feeling of loss… if Sophie were here she’d come up with a really good goofy one and she’d say it in one of her crazy voices. 😉
To my friends that ask what they can do for me/us….send prayers, every single day. I can’t express enough, I have no idea how I will get through the rest of my life without Skylar by my side, except with literally, one single step at a time.
I love you more Skylar Lynn…….and then some.
What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us. – Helen Keller