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3 Angels

Posted on December 3, 2012

 

The image above represents our new reality. Today I’m at a place where I don’t know whether to rejoice that these 3 beautiful girls are with their heavenly Father and enjoying eternity…..or to scream with madness that they were ripped away from us way too soon; never to turn 18, never to graduate, never to experience college, never to marry, never to become a mother……simply ripped from our lives.

The tears come often but they give no reprieve from the pain….and sometimes the pain is so intense there are no tears to be shed.

As I sat with them today, I became angry, angry that THIS is where I have to go to visit my daughter! I realize she is in my heart and is all around me…..but I am angry that I can’t reach out and hug her, angry that I can’t tell her I love her and hear her say “love you more”.  I’m angry that I am living my worst nightmare and angry that I prayed specifically for my children’s safety in cars! I’m angry that there is NO ending to this pain, the most I can ever hope for is that I learn to live again with the pain, that is as good as it is ever going to get for any of us.

The lyrics below are a song I listen to over and over (and many times while I lay with the girls at the grave site)…. it is my cry to God……..

“Need You Now (How Many Times)”

Well, everybody’s got a story to tell

And everybody’s got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there’s beauty here
So, I guess you’re tired of holding on
I can’t let go, I can’t move on
I want to believe there’s meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn’t plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I’m trying to hear that still small voice
I’m trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

http://youtu.be/9ylnx0NA9X4  (copy this link to listen)

 

3 Comments

  1. I lost my grandmother in May and I can’t say that I know your exact pain, but what you just wrote really impacted me. It was exactly how I felt and still somehow feel. Things like loss are impossible to forget. I can’t imagine your pain in losing a daughter, but I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your family, as well as Julianna and Sophie’s family. Also, I had classes with Lexy for two years and I just wanted to say she is an amazing girl and you are a great mom. She talks about you all the time. Praying for you.

  2. I can’t believe that in less than two hours it will be one month since God took our Sky home to be with him! I love and miss you so very much. I try to hide the pain I feel and pretend I’m doing ok but when I lay my head on my pillow at night all I do is think of you and wish I could hear you laughter..heck I would even enjoy hearing you be grumpy. I try and rejoice in knowing that you are happy in Heaven but my heart feels something else. Sky, I just want you to know you will never be forgotten and that you will live in my heart and those that love you forever.

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