I feel I am failing all of you as I have no strength to share lately. 36 days later and I am in a darker place now than ever before. Today has been an incredibly difficult day and the feeling of emptiness for my Sky-bird has overcome me with weariness. I see no conceivable end in sight for my sadness, and that scares me.
I’m angry today wondering how millions of people cheat death and live life on the edge and somehow make it out alive….yet my baby was doing everything right on the night she died…….and now we are all left trying to figure out how we can ever possibly go on.
I have feelings inside that I don’t even know how to deal with and feelings that equate to exploding anger and rage……anger for a life taken too soon and rage of a mother who desperately wants to hold her child in her arms again.
It’s simply killing me to look at my children suffering with sadness over the loss of their sister, and to spend time with Skylar’s friends and boyfriend who are trying to make sense of their lives without these girls present.
My brain is a mess with confusion and frustration because there are no words that can possibly describe this sadness, emptiness, loneliness, anger, desperation, longing, weariness, depression, fear and grief that is all rolled into one and living inside of us. I’m terrified of my future and my children’s future without the presence of Skylar; terrified that we have all been destroyed beyond repair.
I posted the photo above because that is where I want my children — protected in my arms. I want to hold them and shield them…. and I simply cannot ever replicate this photo again. The reality that a photo such as this can NEVER again be taken in this lifetime, makes me cry out to God – “I NEED YOU NOW!!!” There is no way in the world that I (or any of us ) can cope with a loss of this magnitude without God carrying us along.
I went to my Bible tonight and prayed for God to help me read something that would bring me any amount of peace and this was what was before me. Simply a reminder that God’s plan is what matters, not mine, no matter how it leaves me feeling.
Job 3: 25-26: What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.
Oh how I can relate to Job! Job was losing his perspective. My footnotes state that trials and grief, whether temporary or enduring, do not destroy the real purpose of life. Life is not given merely for happiness and personal fulfillment, but for us to serve and honor God. The worth and meaning of this life is not based on what we feel, but on the one reality no one can take away – God’s love for us. Don’t assume that because God truly loves you, he will always prevent suffering. The opposite may be true. God’s love cannot be measured or limited by how great or how little we may suffer. Romans 8:38, 39 teaches us that NOTHING can separate us from God’s love.
I read that verse and my heavy heart and multitude of sadness still remains….but I am gently reminded that God IS in control and that once again we live in His world and under His purpose, not our own.
Please continue to pray for all families and friends that love and miss these girls so incredibly much…..and I pray that we all find our purpose and live it with meaning.
I love you more my sweet Sky……….