I read an interesting article last night that a friend recommended to me titled “When a Child Dies”. Much of the article mentioned things I’ve read before but there were a few points that hit home for me. The author talks of tears being like balm to the grieving heart. He also states that losing a healthy child to an accidental death can entail a grieving period of 3 – 5 years, and that this so- called “recovery time” is normal. That number brought me comfort and pain…comfort in knowing that MAYBE there will SOME day come a time where I can possibly breathe again, and pain in realizing that I still have a very long journey ahead of me.
In talking with a friend today I was reminded yet again that we should all be remembering these girls for what they were when they were alive, and celebrating those memories. I pray that none of us focus too long on their deaths, unless it is to celebrate their homecoming with Jesus.
I had a moment of clarity this morning while I was crying out to God. I thought to myself, what if God told me that he would return Skylar to me, what would I do? I sat there in my bathroom and began to sob and realized that I would not want her back in this cruel, unforgiving world. I miss my baby with all my heart and soul, but knowing she is happy and safe for eternity, why would I take that from her? Something about that realization and admission placed a blanket of peace of over me for the entire day.
I ask for specific prayers tomorrow t 11:15 a.m, when we meet with the coroner as he presents us with Skylar’s autopsy report. I need to hear every detail, even the ones I’ve heard before, this is part of my healing journey. I was there when she was conceived, I was there when she was born, I was there for every thing in between, but I wasn’t there when she took her last breath…..I need to know. I’m trying to prepare myself for seeing the same man at my door that stood there just 6 weeks ago and delivered to me the worst news a parent can ever hear. I pray for God’s comforting arms around me and that I feel Skylar’s presence near.
I titled my posting tonight “One Step at a Time” for good reason……I’ve used that saying a million times in life and I thought I knew what it meant. I realize now that I really had no idea just how literal that saying can be. For now, I truly survive and function “one step at a time”. I think that’s the best any of us, that are deeply affected by this tragedy, can ever hope for again……
For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love.”
Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32