My sweet Sky, it’s been another one of those days. Today I have been haunted by the men who came to our door on the morning you died…….I can’t get the things they said to me out of my head. I can’t quit thinking about how I felt when I saw them and knowing it was going to be awful news, or when they asked to see a picture of you. I can’t erase the memory of how my body felt at the realization that you were gone……it’s such an indescribable feeling. It was of course sadness, gut wrenching pain and denial but there is also another feeling there that I can’t quite describe, an earth shattering feeling that when I think back, I don’t know how that feeling alone didn’t kill me.
I feel the anger inside of me and it isn’t for anyone in particular and perhaps that is worse, as I don’t know where to direct these feelings. I keep telling myself over and over and over and over again that you are safe and happy and forever in the presence of Jesus…..and for moments at a time I am at peace and I smile at those thoughts…..and then they fade. Reality sets in and the human in me can not forget all the plans you had, the dreams, the friends and your entire life ahead of you. With each day that passes I see others moving further and further away from the memory and impact of this tragedy, while all of us (and Soph and Juls families) are stuck in neutral and at times even reverse.
Ashton helped me wrap presents last night and the entire time I had a knot in my stomach knowing that there would be no gifts for you this year, having the name tags out and not writing “Sky” on any tags was making me physically sick.
Sky, I’m done trying to make sense of all of this, because I know that I never will; what I want is to know how to breathe again. How do I get up each morning and lay my head down each night knowing that in this lifetime I can never touch you, hold you, kiss you, laugh with you, argue with you, talk with you, make plans with you…..ever again? How does a mother go on? I feel so alone Sky, how do I deal with a pain that I can’t even describe?
We are all aching so much for you, how is Lexy suppose to travel through this life without her big sister? She needs you Sky, please stay close to her always and let her feel and know your presence.
I held your clothes tonight from the day you died….holding them and touching them help me feel close to you, just knowing it is the last outfit you picked out and the last one you wore somehow brings me momentary comfort. I know you’re gone and I know you’re in eternity but there is a part of me that is failing to accept this reality, the enormity of this is too much for my brain to comprehend. I suppose it’s a coping mechanism meant to keep me sane.
A million memories have come rushing in today, from the moment I first held you in my arms to literally the last time I did. I wish I had hugged you longer before you went out on Saturday November 3rd…..I wished I’d held onto you and never let you go.
Christmas is just 10 days away and to say that it is going to be hard, is the understatement of the year. Each day without you is virtually unbearable and to celebrate a holiday that is centered around family without you present is going to simply be hell on earth. I beg of Jesus that he let us all feel your presence and warmth around us.
I miss everything about you Sky and I’m fighting so hard to keep my chin up and my head high. I thought I had faith before but WOW I’m learning every single day just what faith truly is!
Telling you “I love you” and ” I miss you” doesn’t even seem powerful enough. I need words that don’t even exist in order to describe the love that I have for you and the feelings of loss that I am experiencing.
I pray that I dream of you tonight. I love you more my sweet baby…….xoxo