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Christmas with my angel

Posted on December 26, 2012

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“Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you.” Isaiah 41:10

Boy did I need this verse today. Every day is torturous without Skylar, and I was prepared for today to not be any different. I was wrong. Today was worse, is that even possible God!?

I had 16 Christmas’ with my precious baby….today was like someone was slowly suffocating me but expecting me to continue to breathe.  It started late last night as I prepared the stockings for the kids and not taking Skylar’s down to fill it with goodies was a knife to the heart. I sat and stared at her stocking and cried and simply longed for her.

This morning as every one slowly woke to open gifts (thank God my kids sleep in), I dreaded going downstairs and seeing the empty spot where Sky always sat to open her presents. The kids had a great Christmas and for awhile our minds were occupied and we enjoyed each other. But like always it doesn’t take long for the aching for Skylar to return and I have to keep the smile on my face while inside I’m being torn apart.

I went and visited with the girls this afternoon, alone. I sat with them and talked with them as I typically do. Today was so emotional I could hardly remember how to breathe. My tears started before I even got out of my car….the realization that the cemetery is where I have to go to visit my baby on Christmas now. Yes, I am well aware that Skylar is not “there” but rather in the presence of Jesus now. However, the only body I ever knew my baby in, is there, right there in that cold ground. That’s where I go to feel close to all 3 girls.

To say that any of us felt a “void” today is the understatement of the year! As I’ve stated before, there simply aren’t words big enough and powerful enough to describe the pain and sadness that we all feel.

I read a few things on FB today in regards to people having “bad days” or “a disappointing Christmas'” and yes, while pain is pain and we all have crappy days and unfortunate circumstances in life; I just urge you all to step back and remember and recognize what is TRULY IMPORTANT in life and to know, it could always be worse. You could be visiting a piece of your heart at the cemetery each day. I know many of you that read my blog, do know this pain and understand it all too well.  I know Skylar has taught me to appreciate EVERY minute that I have on this earth with those that I love and everything else is irrelevant now…everything.

I hope each and every one of you had a Christmas filled with God’s love.

I Love You More My Sweet Sky………

 

 

3 Comments

  1. I thought of you often on Christmas Day and prayed for your strength and peace. How awesome and comforting to know the one fact for sure that Skylar is with Jesus! That is the only comfort we have here on earth.

  2. Thought and prayed for you all.

    “From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)”

    God Bless.

  3. Kell….i too love that verse…so much so i had it put on our angels headstone!!! May you find somewhere deep inside of you the courage to continue forward one small breath at a time…xoxo. Jo

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