It’s not that any day is harder or easier than the next and the marking of an “anniversary” certainly doesn’t take away the pain from every other non-anniversary day; for every day without these girls is hell within itself. However, the 4th of each month is forever doomed for me and my family…it’s the dreaded date we all wish never took place, the date we wish we could erase and the date we wish we could change.
The photo pictured above is just one of the many treasures I found on Sky’s iPhone when it was returned to me last week. I laugh and cry as I continue to go through her phone…so full of carefree messages and videos of a life with so much promise and potential….a life that showed the world how to love and how to live.
In recent days I feel like Sky has taught me more than I ever taught her in 16 1/2 years of life…..she has taught me how to live and in some respects how to love. I read something recently about there being an official name for a child that loses their parents (orphan) or even a spouse that loses their wife/husband (widow) but no official name given to a parent who loses a child. The author simply stated because there just are no words to describe the loss. I paused when I read that because we all say “there are no words” and it’s true……part of my frustration at times comes from not being able to find the words to describe this pain or loss. I just want to find the word.
I had a reality check this week while reading a devotional book that was sent to me by another grieving mother part of this horrendous club. One of the devotions was titled “Letting Go” and when I first looked at the title it made me mad. I don’t want to let go…I KNOW she isn’t coming back, I haven’t completely lost my mind but I don’t ever want to let go of her. But as I read on I understood what this author was trying to say.
(‘Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love’ By Raymond Mitsch and Lynn Brookside)
When we refuse to let go of the past we are, in essence, saying to God “Your timing is wrong and I don’t accept it. I have a better plan and I’m not going to let you get away with this. It hurts too much and I don’t trust you to walk me through this pain.”
We will continue to feel victimized by it until we let it go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting our loved one or being glad for his or her death. It DOES mean accepting God’s will for our lives and bowing to his sovereignty.
I’m not quite sure I’m there yet in my grieving process. It’s still early and I can safely say grieving a child is like no other grief…however, it’s a comforting reminder that God is in control….often times I am so wrapped up in my grief and sadness that I forget this simple fact.
Not until each loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the pattern
And explain a reason why
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
For the pattern which He planned
~ Author unknown