It has been some time since I have written, and for good reason. I have spent the last several weeks reflecting. Thinking A LOT about Skylar, about what I taught her while I had her, and probably more importantly what she taught me….in life and in death. I reflected on the path my life is on and what my journey has looked like over the last 2 years and 2 months without her. I have reflected on my relationships and on my own growth and healing.
I looked up the definition of reflection today, even though I’m quite familiar with what it means. What stood out to me wasn’t what I was defining in my own head as reflection (a fixing of the thoughts on something) but rather the “representation; counterpart” meaning of the word. It made me stop and think about what I represent to other grieving moms and what do I reflect as Skylar’s mom?
You have all read my words over the last few years of making sure that I make Sky proud every day that I am on this journey through hell, and that of course will not change. However, I certainly feel that it is my moral obligation (for lack of a better term) to represent grieving mothers in an honest and raw light. As well as represent myself in such a way to other grieving mothers, so that they know they are not alone….if I can keep breathing every single painful day…so can they.
I hear on a daily basis how strong that I am, and honestly I am not strong. What I am is broken and angry, but even more so, I am faithful. I am faithful in my ever stumbling walk with God. Albeit no where from perfect; I’m faithful in God’s promise that he is holding those 3 babies in his arms and keeping them until we meet again.
This is nothing new for me to say, but today I felt a strong urge to remind those that are struggling. I am no different than you. I don’t hurt any less, I don’t cry any less, I don’t sin any less, I don’t scream “WHY?!” any less……..but I do make a conscious decision every day to remember WHERE she is and WHO she is with.
So my big light bulb today was, while I have been reflecting on ME and what I am missing and longing for….God reminded me that others are watching, and the reflection of my faith in Him should be my ultimate goal.
Please don’t stop the prayers for us grieving parents….as time rolls on we need them more than ever.
Romans 5:3-5 – “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”