My Worst Nightmare

On November 1st, just 3 short days before the accident that claimed the life of not only my sweet Skylar, but also 2 other angels…..Sky and I discussed my fears via text, which we often did.  Skylar was indeed wearing her seat belt on the night that she died, but it simply wasn’t enough to save her. Sadly Skylar, Sophie and Julianna made the CDC numbers rise from 78 to 79, 80 and 81.

My mind is simply blown that my baby died in the very way that I feared she could. All parents fear for their kids safety while in cars but I had such a heightened sensitivity and fear for it, I simply can’t wrap my mind around God letting this be the way she was taken from us. Maybe the word “letting” isn’t the correct word…I’m trying very hard to not be angry with a God that I know IS love, and trying very hard not to question WHY he didn’t save these 3 beautiful girls in those wee hours of November 4, 2012.

I read through old text messages from Skylar and myself (thank God for iphones and that I never deleted our messages..ever!), and there was one dated October 26th and I am telling her that the roads are wet and I don’t want her out riding around with friends on wet roads….oh the irony…..

Anthony (Sky’s boyfriend) gave me a stack of letters tonight, to him from Skylar…..I managed to read the first 2 and then skipped to the very last one she wrote him dated October 23…..I could hear my babies voice as I tried to get through these letters and my heart somehow found MORE  pain and sadness. The carefree way she wrote and from the point of view of a 16 year old girl who loved life, friends and her boyfriend, was yet another bitter reminder that her life was taken way too soon.

32 days later and God must be protecting me from an utter meltdown because at times this still doesn’t feel real…’s insane to me that my body feels like it has been grieving for years and I am so exhausted mentally and physically; yet it feels like just yesterday she was sitting in the kitchen and laughing or yelling at Ashton to get out of her room!

However, 32 days later and I am realizing that I am living with a pain that will NEVER subside and realizing that when people ask “what can I do for you?”, there simply is NOTHING (besides prayer) that can be done…NOTHING will ease this pain and NOTHING will bring them back.

I am a problem/situation solver and I now have a problem/situation that simply can’t be solved. It’s like when you try to imagine eternity and how your brain can’t grasp just how long and forever eternity is; my brain simply can’t fathom how I will live with this pain nor can it comprehend spending the rest of my days on this earth without my Sky-bird.

Missing and loving you Skylar Lynn……today, tomorrow and always….love you more.

Thank you to a friend for sending me this song today…….

“Blessings” (by Laura Story)
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It’s not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise   (copy this link to hear the song)


7 thoughts on “My Worst Nightmare

  1. Kelli,

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this beautiful dedication to your incredible daughter with me. Your faith, trust and most importantly your ability to still love through this tragedy is a true inspiration to me and should be to so many others. I know HE is so proud of you for the grace and true beauty that you hold in your heart through all of the endless tears and immense pain. I pray every day for you that HE holds you close and carries you through your darkest hours. Remember that there are no more tears in heaven and Skylar’s memory lives through you. God Bless you my sister through Christ.

    “for the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” Revelation 7:17

    “A mother holds her child’s hand only for a while, but she holds their heart forever.” –Unknown

    Love always,
    Brittany Neal

  2. My Mom is a Survivor

    By: Kaye Des’Ormeaux

    My mom is a survivor,
    Or so I have heard it said.

    But I can hear her crying
    When all others are in bed.

    I watch her lay awake at night
    And go to hold her hand.

    She doesn’t know I’m with her
    To help her understand.

    But like the sands upon the beach
    That never wash away…

    I watch over my surviving mom,
    Who thinks of me each day.

    She wares a smile for others…
    A smile of disguise.

    But through heaven’s open door
    I see tears flowing from her eyes

    My mom tries to cope with my death
    To keep my memory alive.

    But to anyone who knows her
    Knows it’s her way to survive.

    As I watch over my surviving mom
    Through heaven’s open door…

    I try to tell her
    Angels protect me forevermore.

    I know that doesn’t help her…
    Or ease the burden she bears.

    So if you get a chance, talk to her…
    And show her that you care.

    For no matter what she says…
    No matter what she feels.

    My surviving mom has a broken heart
    That time won’t ever heal.

    Prayers and God Bless to all………..

      1. You are very welcome! It touched my heart and something told me that I most post this after I came across it and read it. Sad but very beautiful all at the same time. <3

  3. I love you Kelli…I posted this song on your page the week of the accident in lyric format~ It’s a beautiful sad song….I know it feels like eternity all ready without your darling first born child, but just know that in all actuality you are living a moment in time compared to the eternity you will have with her forevermore. We live for just a moment in these temporary vessels to glorify Jesus Christ….The pain and the suffering that you are devastated by is only a moment in time compared to the exceeding happiness you will feel again in the arms of your Skylar~

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